Ahhh it's gonna be a great night tonight
Anything can happen. (happen, happen)
The minute I opened my eyes
I was feeling on top of the world
It seems ridiculous now looking back
Considering how my day unfurled
It was Friday, it was payday,
It was gonna be off the scale
But I never even made it out and I'll tell you the tale
I checked my phone and I clambered out
And I tossed back the linen
And then I went downstairs and I made some toast
And I watched some Loose Women
Peter Andre and Michael Ball were on
But I don't know what they were discussing
I checked my phone and the lads were lively
The group chat was buzzing
Big night tonight,
We were gonna meet up and sink a few jars,
Living large
Casino for a few hours then we'll hit up some bars
You know we've known each other years
These fellas all went to school with me
It was gonna be a night of shenanigans
And some classic tomfoolery
But first I knew I had to take a trip into town
To get some cash and threads
And a double Greggs I've got this nailed down
I was parched and I couldn't be arsed to go and wait for the train
And so I jumped into my car
And I took it to park at Woodhouse Lane
I headed straight to Greggs
For a corned beef slice and something fizzy
Had my feed and a look round Leeds it wasn't exceedingly busy
I wanted a shirt some shoes and a belt so I headed over to Trinity
Flashed the plastic it felt fantastic it massaged my masculinity
My testosterone was pumping I must admit I was feeling flash
I checked my balance and withdrew two hundred pound cash
Now I'd got everything I need from town no reason to stay
Not even god himself could bring me down today was my day
I started walking back to the car when a bloke caught my eye
He was tall and bald and he looked like an intimidating guy
He reminded me of the referee Pierluigi Collina
But with a black eye and a limp so this guy looked even meaner
I was like a defender being sent off,
I remember the resemblance was striking
His scent offended my senses as he got a bit close for my liking
His eyes were psychotic and he was staring right at me
So I got a march on, time to hop it,
Cos he looked like he wanted to stab me
Believe me I was feeling uneasy and queasy
His demeanor was sleazy
I mean he gave me the heebie-jeebies
And really clearly he didn't fear me
And nearly stopped me in my tracks
I had a terrible feeling and I said to myself
That I wouldn't look back
I couldn't resist the urge and I checked over my shoulder
And then I saw what I didn't wanna see
This fella was following me
I was petrified cos I didn't know why
But I can't deny that a creepy guy with a glint in his eye
Sent a shiver down my spine
And I felt that the Earth was swallowing me
My head was harassed, I just wanted to get on it
My ass emitted a blast that had more gas than Halley's comet
I took one more glance and corroborated any suspicions
He'd sped up too I immediately knew that I didn't have any decisions
I clocked that he was on his phone,
Was I dreaming? It was starting to bug me
Suddenly I'd never felt so alone,
I had a feeling he was smarting to mug me
I started pegging it and picking up the pace
He was legging it and it became a race
I was sweating but it wasn't gonna be far
I just needed to get my arse back to the car
I was racking my brain, I was thinking had I seen him before?
Situation seemed so insane, what the hell was he chasing me for?
He seemed to be slowing and I was getting away with ease,
I reached into my pocket and started fumbling for my keys
My car was in sight, I was sure that I'd given him the slip
It was gonna be a great tale tonight
When I'd be steaming like the funnel on a ship.
Then out of the blue, someone jumped out by the side of me
And time
Slowed
Down
He ran at me and pushed me and my ass hit the deck,
Flippin' eck!
Before I could even blink he had his hands round my neck!
He was smaller but stronger and he'd caught me by surprise,
No lies
He fought with no honour and he had blood in his eyes
Then baldy steamed in, and he booted me straight in the side
He proceeded to bray me and maybe he'd slay me
He made me afraid for my life!
I struggled underneath and I got him back with one on the nose
"Just take my bag!"
I pleaded with him as he rained down the blows
I felt like I'd been hit by Mike Tyson
I was sucking up the dust like a Dyson
Bricking it slipping out of consciousness
I could see the white light on the horizon
I was looking straight up at him as his foot hit my jaw
As I saw my life flash before me
I remembered where I'd seen him before
The same angry stare, but the roles were reversed
He was only decking me now because I'd done him in first
That night no question, we were off our nuts we were steaming
But to think we'd get away with it well I must've been dreaming
Last Friday it had all kicked off when we were getting our scran
When there were four of us and one of him
And we chinned him and ran
Now I'd a flashback and as it happened
I'd been burying the memory
Of giving him a rocket and seeing his eye socket
As it snapped like a celery
But now my time was through,
It was cruel and beautiful witnessing karma
My head was the ball on the tee
And he was lining up a swing like Arnold Palmer
It was then that I knew that I wouldn't get a chance to make my amends
And so I closed my eyes with a wry smile as he took his revenge