Here it is, the end
Alone without a friend
I'm looking back on a life where I never took my chances, my heart wasn't in it
There was the odd smile, the odd laugh but I never enjoyed one minute
Never had a job, never travelled, no sign of a wife
No children, never had a hobby, never experienced life
Now I'm dying and soon I'll be crashing out of a world that I barely even tasted
A whole lifetime wasted
I've been sitting here and wondering what happened to the time
I had a feeling that forever wasn't real and now it's here and looking at me
Like a figure in the mirror
Getting bigger coming nearer to my heart and lungs
Everything I didn't do is occupying
And I'm sighing as I'm trying to avoid the trap of buying into anything
I'm crying at supplying all the lying and denying underlying shit when I was young
All the springs that have been sprung
All the spins that have been spun
All the stings when I've been stung
Now you know I know I never should've bit my tongue
And now I'm reeling cos I'm dealing with the feeling of the ceiling crashing in on me
Because I know that usually it's never how it used to be
And universally you could've filled a million parks up with the swings I've swung
I should've focused on the future not the past
But every day I knew it could've been my last
I had to keep up with a place that was changing at the pace of Mo Farah in a race
And it ran too fast
All the situations I've been through
All the knowledge that I wish I never knew
All the times that I looked at the glass
There was someone looking back but I didn't know who
Half of the time my mind was off grid
If I'd have took it any deeper I'd be swimming with the squid
Praying for a saviour and feeling like a failure
Well life's too short when you live it like I did
All the years that I only had my pillow
All the weeks I was weeping like a willow
I was crunchy on the outside
Soft on the inside and bumbling through like a hairy armadillo
Did I ever try hard enough? Did I ever even have it that rough
Was I doomed from the start did
I ever have a chance was the voice in my head too tough
Shaming myself and flaming myself
I've been living in the gutter cos I'm blaming myself
Being in a hurry to be dealing with the worry
When I'm looking at the map I'm going down the wrong road
Wishing that the people that I cared about could help me
But my heart was too proud and my head was in the clouds
If I ever tried to speak up from within I got the trembles on my skin
I might as well have been talking in code
In the moments that it mattered did I ever have the courage to be present
Did I ever want to flourish my resent was always there I thought I didn't really care
But backing out and saying nothing was my default mode
I never thought that I would live in so much sorrow
I never even thought I'd live to see tomorrow
I never bothered with beginning to be living
Never grinning never winning I was slinging mud and sinning
Cos I never knew how but the game is over now
That's a promise not a threat I've got nothing but regret
I was waiting to awaken I was shaken and forgiving was a gift
I could have taken that I didn't even borrow
The executioner the judge and the jury
Punching with the power of a manic Tyson Fury
Sentencing me to a life of misery
I should've thrown in the white towel to end it prematurely
But instead I let it rot like a tree
My inner monologue was suffocating me
If I could pick it wasn't what I'd wanna be
In a life that was plagued by despondency
I was stuck, it was anything but great
Never was it ever too little too late
But I stopped, I wrote my own fate
Destiny's here to take me on a date
And I'm down, all hope is gone
No more need to try to hold on and I'm glad
To say my goodbyes to everything I never had
The End