Ten days in Bali, got four days to go
Ten days of terror, 'coz I'm glued to the throne
And I'm shittin' in litres and firin' both ends
I'll never shit solid again.
And it's cost me a fortune for this holiday
'Stead of pissin' it up, Christ I'm shittin' it away
'Coz I'm glued to the loo while me mates are out ragin'
I'll never shit solid again
I'll never shit solid again!
Or hold anything down for as long as I live
'Coz me arse is jammed open from freckle fatigue
I'll never shit solid again
I called Mum back home, she said mix up a cup
Of cornflour and Gravox to thicken it up
Then she pissed herself laughin' and hung up the phone
I'll never shit solid again
Just had a crap and I'm wipin' me ring
Haven't quite finished, start spewin' again
Used the same piece of paper to wipe off me chin
I'll never shit solid again
I'll never shit solid again!
So I'll rig up a hosepipe to stick up me ring
So at least when I fart I won't splatter me jeans
I'll never shit solid again
I'm doin' cartwheels as I'm tryin' to guess
A crap or a chunder, Christ what's comin' next
Will it spray through me fingers or run down me leg?
I'll never shit solid again
Slipped on some shit a foot thick on the floor
Skid arse over tit, then I spewed a bit more
Now, I gotta sit through it 'coz me denture fell in
I'll never shit solid again
I'll never shit solid again!
Me ring's hangin' out and me guts 'ave caved in
I'll be buried in a bucket, and me mates will all sing,
"He'll never shit solid again".