Father: Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
Ryan: baby sister
Father: That's right, baby sister.
Ryan: baby sister
Father: So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
Ryan: saftey rules
Father: Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
Ryan: wash hands
Father: Do you know why?
Ryan: no
Father: Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
Ryan: germs make baby sick
Father: That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
Ryan: germs make the baby sick
Father: Okay, rule number two.
Ryan: more rules
Father: Don't feed the baby anything.
Ryan: don't feed the baby.
Father: That's right.
Ryan: why?
Father: Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
Ryan: why?
Father: Oh... well, other food is bad for the baby.
Ryan: other food bad for the baby
Father: That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
Ryan: more rules
Father: Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan: water bad for the baby
Father: Well, not all water, just hot water,
Ryan: yes
Father: Cause hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan: i don't understand, daddy
Father: Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
Ryan: yes
Father: Well, this water is okay for the baby.
Ryan: yes
Father: Here, touch the glass.
Ryan: yes
Father: See, it's nice and cool.
Ryan: yes
Father: Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
Ryan: hot water burn baby?
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan: hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan: hot water burn your baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan: baby can't go in swimming pool?
Father: Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
Ryan: yes
Father: That's alright.
Ryan: yes
Father: But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan: hot water burn the baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan: hot water burn the baby
Father: Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
Ryan: yea, baby like tea
Father: No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
Ryan: baby no like tea?
Father: Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
Ryan: ...hot water
Father: Right, and what did we say about hot water?
Ryan: ...oh, hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby!
Ryan: hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right so no tea near the baby.
Ryan: hot water burn baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan: baby no take bath?
Father: No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
Ryan: yes
Father: Hot is bad.
Ryan: yes... hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan: hot water burn baby
Father: I think you're gettin' it!
Ryan: hot water burn baby
Father: That's right, Ryan.
Ryan: hot water burn baby
Father: NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
Narrator: 30 year later!
Wife: Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
Ryan: Just watchin' the discovery channel.
Wife: Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
Ryan: Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
Wife: Okay, honey!
Ryan: Yeah.
TV: The villagers of Pasquan
Ryan: Pasquan
TV: have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
Ryan: (garbled)
TV: Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
Ryan: My God.
TV: That explains the Pasquan's low population.
Ryan: Yeah, it does.
TV: On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
Ryan: Deerskin.
TV: ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
Ryan: That's nice.
TV: The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
Ryan: ya-yara
TV: Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
Ryan: Wow.
TV: ...four times.
Ryan: Four times.
TV: Once for the sun,...
Ryan: Hmm.
TV: ...once for the moon,...
Ryan: The moon.
TV: ...once for the earth,...
Ryan: The earth.
TV: ...and once for the wind.
Ryan: The wind, too.
TV: When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
Ryan: What?
TV: ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
Ryan: What are you saying here?
TV: As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
Ryan: No.
TV: ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
Ryan: No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Wife: Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Father: Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Father: You are a bitch, Ryan!
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Wife: Ryan, are you alright?
Father: Hot water burn the baby!
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Wife: Ryan!
Father: What are you gonna do, whore?
Wife: Ryan!
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Father: Bitch!
Wife: Ryan! What's going on out there?
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Father: Whore!
Wife: Who are you talking to?
Father: Bitch!
Ryan: I'm talking to the man!
Father: Whore!
Ryan: Hot water burn baby!
Wife: Ryan!
Father: Bitch! Ryan is a whore!