Sometimes
I wish I would've drowned right there in that bathtub
Where my real mama abandoned me
The only reason I haven't killed myself already
Is because I'm afraid
It was the first time
I heard someone express a desire to commit suicide
And I actually
Believed them
This was no flippant threat
More than melodramatic selfishness
He was stone faced serious
And fearful
Not afraid of dying
Afraid it might not work
Like the last time he tried
When he was a boy
Youthful and full of life
He found his uncle's long neck shotgun
But the distance from the trigger to the mouth of the barrel
Was greater then the fourteen years of arms
Stretched from his temple to his fingertips
So he stood the gun up for a last dance
Held it tight against his chest and pulled the trigger with his toe
But blew a hole through the roof
Instead of his head
When that happened
I got scared
I coulda shot half my face off
That would suck to live with half a face, ya know?
I didn't know
I didn't know what to do, or say
But I figured the worst thing I could do is say too much
So I spoke, slowly
Choosing my words, not wisely, but at least precisely
And I even thought about calling a hotline or something
But this was my friend
Why would I put his life in the hands of stranger?
But what makes me think that I can save him?
But I gotta try to save him
And suddenly I find myself speaking
As quickly as my heart is beating
And I don't even know what I'm saying
But it's something along the lines of
I love you!
In the manliest way possible
But if I wanted to kill myself
Knowing my homie loved me wouldn't be enough
Incentive to stay alive
So I reminded him that
God loved him too
Hoping the affection of his almighty creator
Might hold more signifigance then mine
And he'd been through some hard times
And I wasn't trying to minimize his pain
But he needed to know that he isn't the only one
So I said bro, don't give up
My life sucks too, and I love it
And I suck too, and I'm awesome
And fifteen minutes later
My mouth is still moving
And I'm praying God would strike me mute
Cause I tried to shut up but my tongue won't let me
And apparently I had a whole lot to say
For someone who didn't know what to say
And I don't even know
If I'm trying to save him or myself
Because if he puts a bullet through his head
Anytime soon
I will feel completely responsible
And his blood cannot be on my hands
You cannot kill yourself
Friend
Please
I'm so glad
You're alive