You cannot imagine the pain I felt
I am here today to testify to you
That, if I never went to God for this
I would still be wondering
What this whole thing I went through in my marriage was all about
Then, I met a Christian friend of mine
Who explained to me
That nothing in our lives happens by accident
But God knows everything that's going on
And there was purpose to all that I was going through
Because in the Bible, God says
I know the plans I have for you
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you
Plans to give you a hope and a future
My pain was part of God's plan for me
It was through that difficult time
That opened my eyes to a lot of things
Without experiencing those desperate moments
It would not have made me look to God for answers
For years, I struggled with questions I couldn't answer
I went to friends for help, but I didn't get the right advices
But the Lord allowed this pain to happen
Because this, I believe, was the best way for God to get my attention
Let me tell a little story
When worship music became suddenly so powerful to me
If you saw me the first time I attended service
You would have given me a bucket for my tears
Can you imagine Kuh Ledesma sobbing in church?
I kept thinking to myself, "Now they know I've got a huge problem"
But the great thing was that no one was taking notice of me
Well, there was so much going on in my mind
The betrayal, the anger, my daughter's pain
It was like me over again when my parents separated
There was just so much going on, that my heart felt it was going to burst
Most of all, I was so angry with the other woman, I felt violated
How could someone just so easily break up my family?
I was so angry I couldn't sleep at night
I had no peace
And I felt like writing her name all over the walls of the streets where she lived
Her name and, under it, in big bold letters, homewrecker
Yes, and that's not all
I wanted to go on television and tell whole world
About this woman who wouldn't have a conscious
But, one evening, I told one of my good friends
And she said, "Kuh Ledesma, you will not do such a thing
You're a better person than that"
Well, it was a good thing I listened
Because I wouldn't have wanted that to be a part of my life
Specially that I'm now with Jesus
Later on, I realized that I too was a sinner
And all of us are guilty of something
Then, as I read scriptures, the Lord showed me a verse in Mark 11:25
Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone
Forgive him, that your Father in Heaven may also forgive you your trespasses
And because it was clear to me that sin separates us from God
I knew I needed His help in the area of forgiveness
Specially with the other woman
And because I was praying for restoration in my marriage
I also didn't want any hindrances to my prayers
Because James 5:16 says
The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective
And that appealed to me a lot
After weeks of praying, I felt like a thorn was pulled from my chest
Well, forgiveness seemed easy until I saw Matthew 5:44
Love your enemies
Oh, Lord, that was so difficult for me
I asked God to help me love her
And I even imagined embracing her
I prayed that I would have compassion for her
I realized that she did what she did because she didn't have a relationship with God
Isabella now started praying for her salvation
God kept reminding me who am I not to forgive
Knowing that Christ died for me when I was still a sinner
Besides, as I kept holding on to my anger, my pain continued
And I was only hurting myself
I couldn't function the next day, because I felt no joy
All in all, I know now that part of God's perfect plan
Was to also expose my sins to me
Learning to forgive had to come from someone I deeply loved that hurt me so badly
My obedience to God's word
And my willingness to forgive
Started my healing process