I've tried to clean your scent off of me more times than I can count
My throat tired and raw from all the times I had to scream and shout "No!"
Holding back this oppression in my chest
Because I know this will only stop
Not when I want it, no, only when you say so
Got the grand prize of a hospital gown
2 weeks in the bin and 3 diagnoses
Pills to make it better and 6 years of "How are you feeling this week?"
And never feeling safe again
My body doesn't feel mine
No bringing that innocence back.
I struggle to wrap my head around that.
This trauma was not created consensually
It was created without my knowing and without my intent
Without my consent
I never had the privilege of ignorance being bliss
I asked why you aren't listening and you didn't hear me
Pleads falling on deaf ears
Don't fucking say that you love me
The inner corners of the walls you invaded have been built back up
With an understanding of what it means to feel worthless
It doesn't matter if my skin heals
The imprints of your fingertips will always burn and crack the sensitive parts of me
Forever more
The times I do remember what you did to me
I feel my ribs cracking, the ground breaking beneath me and the underlying aches are so strong
I hate myself but I hate you so much more
How could I let you do that to me?
How could you do this to me?
Why did you do this to me?
I am still wrestling with whether or not this was my fault