Anyway, so now I'm married, and uh, sex is very different when you're married
Because it doesn't exist, actually
I was talking to a friend of mine, about how my wife and I don't really fuck anymore
And he said, uh, "well, does she blow you at least?"
What are you, fucking high? you think she's blowing me?
Who wants to blow their husband?
Who the fuck would want to?
What a bummer to blow your husband
You don't want to blow your husband
You want to blow your date, that's who you want to blow
You want to blow a guy you've been dating and you don't quite know him yet
He comes over and picks you up, ooh, that's a new shirt
I never saw that shirt on him, it's very handsome
You go to dinner he's like, "here try this"
Oh, new things, I like new things
Tells you something funny makes you laugh
Oh, he shouldn't say that, but it's wrong, he shouldn't say
Tells you a sad story, oh my god
You go back to his place, you suck his cock and you go home
That's the proper context for a blow job
Nobody wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day, that's not fun
Do his shitty laundry and then he comes out of the bathroom
"Alright, you suck my dick, okay?"
"Will you suck my dick right now?"
"Yes, I'm fucking dying to suck your smelly, old, fucking disgusting dick, for the thousandth time
I can't fucking wait
My, wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day
And, uh, I got to tell you that, I think that that hand job
Was probably the saddest thing that ever happened in America
It really was the saddest fucking thing, that hand job, was so tragic
There should be like a monument to that hand job
With a reflecting pool, where you just sit and think
God, that was fucking sad and yeah
And a little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and, you know
Here's what happened, I'm going to tell you about this hand job
Um, my wife and I were home, in the middle of the day
The baby was asleep on our bed
The four-year-old is where ever the fuck she goes all day
And um, my wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there
Just fucking married on the couch, you know, just
And my wife looked at me and I don't know where she got this sort of sense that I was in a
She said something like, "hey, we have to go to that thing for the..."
And I was like, "oh, who gives a shit?"
Like, I don't know what it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad
Here's the thing, is that as far as sex, for guys it's just not com
We just need to release, that's all it is.
We just... we just need it
Women, it's like a fucking emotional thing where they... they need...
We need to come, just because we need to
Women, it's like they get into it, they shiver
And then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of shit
But for guys, it's just something that we need to do
So that we won't murder people.
That's all it is, really. just maintenance.
Open the fucking valve once in a while, please.
The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a PSI level that's unacceptable
And my wife always waits till it's fucking way, like, till it's critical.
She lets it go so long, until finally we're sitting on the couch
And she looks at me and we're like
Okay, we're going to all be in the paper tomorrow if I don't fucking do something.
So, she doesn't want to fuck me, she doesn't want to blow me,
So she looks at me and she goes, "well, would you like a hand job?"
I'm like, "yeah, that sounds awesome"
So we go upstairs to my daughter's room
Because it's the only empty room in the house.
You know what? Fuck you. I pay the rent
I'll shit on her bed if I want to.
Seriously? let me have a fucking hand job in my house
It's all I get. It's not me
She won't jerk me off in the living room because there's too much nice shit
I'm not allowed to come on, that's the whole thing.
I don't even get to enjoy my orgasm
Because the second I'm coming, she's pointing my dick away from stuff
Ew, careful. She points it into my belly button, like, make it go back in there
Can it go back in?
Alright, so I'm laying on the floor in my daughter's room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks and airplanes.
What does a fucking duck need with an airplane?
Why does a baby give a shit?
So I'm laying there on the floor and my wife is just sitting next to me in her bathrobe
And weirdly, I'm not getting off on this
The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis, dryly while basically reading People Magazine at the same time
It's not that I'm not getting off on it
It's taken me a while to come and she starts getting impatient
She's like, "come on! Come on!"
Like yelling, "come on", into my dick, seriously?
At one point, I wanted her to lick her palm
I got this idea, maybe if she licked her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on
And so I had to, you gotta approach asking for those things carefully
You can't just go, "hey, lick your palm", like that
Because that'll ruin whatever mood there already isn't
So I go like, "hey, maybe you'd lick your palm, lick your palm"
She;s like, "what?"
"Lick your palm, lick your palm"
She's like, "what the fuck are you saying to me"
You know what she thought I said?
She thought I said "you look like your mom"
So now I gotta get that out of my head
I'm trying to fucking like, close my eyes and fantasize that she gives a shit
Nothing's working and finally she goes, "hey, I'm getting really tired, so"
You know what I did?
I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off, with her hand
She's like, "oh, thank you, that's much easier that way"
That has to be the lowest form of sex, that's even fucking possible
To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife's hand
She might as well be dead at that point
Seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse
I came home and found her dead and fuck it, I'm getting one more before I call the police
Just one more, these things are hurting
I'm not hurting nobody, I'll call 911, she's not getting any deader
Cops find DNA on her wrists
She gave me a hand job and then died of shame, i think
I don't know what happened. I don't know