I don't know how to start shows.
It's just a problem that I have...
I never...
I never figured out how to come out and just start talking
Because the first thing you say on stage always feels stupid,
Because there's no REAL reason for me to talk to you.
It just doesn't exist.
I don't know you, you don't know --
You don't even know each other, you're facing the same direction, that's all you have in common...
So I just have to -- (vomit noise)
It's like talking to a girl at a bar because you're attracted to her
The first thing you say is just gonna be dog shit coming out of your mouth.
Because you don't know her! The only honest thing you could say to her is "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you could say
That you could mean!
Anything else you say is you trying really hard not to say "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you're...
(Mumbling) Ehh, I wanna... put my penis in the lowest hole in your head.
I was never good at that, like I was very bad at being single, which is a problem because I'm divorced, so I'm single again... After ten years of marriage...
(Crowd awwing) No, here --
Cut the shit!
Don't even start with that noise, like a puppy died!
Lemme tell you something...
Lemme tell you something.
And this is important, because someday one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen. And they're gonna tell you.
Don't go "Aw, I'm sorry." That's a stupid thing to say! It really is!
First of all, you're making them feel bad for being REALLY happy, which isn't fair.
And second of all, lemme explain something to you!
Divorce is always good news.
I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.
It's really that simple.
That's never happened -- it --
That WOULD be sad. If two people were married, they were really happy, and they just had a great thing, and then they got DIVORCED!
That would be really sad!
But that has happened ZERO TIMES. Literally zero.
Ray Charles has killed more Jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce.
So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad, and now they're -- I mean, they're better, they're not good, life is shit wall to wall,
But they're better. So you should be happy.
But the part's that difficult is being single, at 41, after ten years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.
Like -- like I found five hundred million Prussian Franks.
I can't really take advantage of being single because I didn't expect to be single. I'm not prepared.
I didn't think I'd ever be -- I didn't keep this shit up, you understand?
I didn't maintain any of this at presentation condition.
It's function-only. It was not --
I didn't think I would need -- I thought I was going to be shoving it into the same person every three months until one of us died.
That's what I thought was the nature of the deployment for this --
I didn't think it had to be, like, appealing to someone from scratch!
It's like having a 73 Dodge Dart in your backyard.
And it's been sitting back there with grass growing -- you don't have any --
It's not an old Mustang, you have no plans to restore that Dart!
You don't even see it when you look out the window.
And now, you find out that's your only way to work.
You NEED that car now.
And you're like "Ah, shit, it's... it's got bees in it, I didn't take care of it! It's full of bees! There's a family of mice living in the tailpipe, I can't take that to work!"
I have no single instincts, I know too much to be single, I know everything that happens now.
That's no good for single. You have to be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid! That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid.
An optimist is somebody who goes,
"Hey, maybe something nice will happen."
Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen? What are you, stupid?
But that's the attitude you have to be to be single. You have to look at somebody and go "Ooh maybe..." (laugh)
I don't look at it that way, even when I see somebody that I'm attracted to.
I was at a gym the other day -- why, why... I'm at a gym.
I'm not -- I'm just wearing shorts, that's all I'm doing there.
Just standing there. (mimics pretentious shit)
And I look over, and there's a girl with a ponytail, and she's on this thing -- (mimics more shit, I don't know)
And I'm looking at her, and I'm like "Ohh, she's awesome. Shit."
But then I start thinking "Wait a minute, I'm single! I'm on the market, I have value! I could say something to her! I could just walk up and say something!"
And I'm trying to think, "What am I gonna say? What do I look like to somebody like THAT?"
And then I realize it's been way too long, and I'm just standing there, staring at her -- (aggressive grunting noises)
I have no identity in the single world.
I can't -- I look at them, I don't know what they're doing.
I tried just jerking off to Girls Gone Wild the other day, just to re-enter the community that way, just to feel part of it.
And I bought it. Not just the commercial on Comedy Central, I paid money, like a grown up. I put my credit card down, and waited for it to come to my house. I'm an adult.
So I'm trying to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild, I can't do it, cause I'm a father!
I'm too old, I'm just getting mad at everybody in the video!
I'm like "You fucking irresponsible bitches, go back to school, what are you doing down there? There's two wars and a depression, get the oil off your tits and study, for fuck's sake!"