I love animals, I do, I do
We have a weird relationship to animals
We name them and we play with them and we kill them
And we eat them and we stuff them and we draw them
I have a dog. I love my dog
But I don't know my dog
We've never had a conversation
Not one time, I talk and she just hears
Fadapoortastedis, fixdaporktastdis
Tastethispalumpa
She looks at me
And I'm like "yes"
And she's like "what, you dont know what I'm thinking fuck you"
I don't know this bitch, i don't know what she's thinking
I really wish i did, i wish i knew what she was thinking
It's my biggest wish maybe in life
Is that I knew, cause I know she has thoughts
I know she does
There's no way she's just like, dog
There's stuff going on in here, I've seen it
You ever watch your dog make a decision?
You ever watch your dog just walk in the room
And look around like yeah, I'm gonna go over here
Why? Please tell me why
I think my dog thinks I'm insane
Because I look at my life through her eyes
Like, I'll watch TV for four hours
And from my dog's point of view, I'm just be sitting there
My dog is my life now, because my kids have grown up
My kids are in college
I'm an empty nester
That's what you call it when your kids are gone
Because they grew up, not if they're dead
It's not used that way
My daughter died of leukemia
Hey you're an empty nester
I miss it. I miss having little kids
I think about it all the time
I think about it maybe adopting, you know
I could adopt a baby from a third world country
That's a good thing to do, because you can just leave him outside You don't have to
You know, it's interesting
We've been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time
You know, other countries do it, too.
But I live here, so I'll talk about that.
But it's an interesting thing
It's not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away
But we do. We've been doing that in large numbers here for a long time
And not always for the same reasons
There's been different reasons why we've done it in the early, like in the 70s when I grew up.
Sometimes you meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought
Because they're those kind of, you know, these kinds of people
You know? The kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things
You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they're like, we've decided
You know those?
They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it
And their apple juice is cloudy
You know what I'm talking about Those are the kind of people
They Make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby
And name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever
That was like the 70s and 80s
Then the 90s, it became very popular with gay couples
Started to adopt babies from China
Because they want to have a baby but they can't
They both have dicks
I don't know if you know that
Did you know that
Gay couples have two dicks so they can't make a baby?
You can try, you can really
You get you could try to come into one dick with the other
Like if you line up the dick holes and you can come
And the sperm goes up this dick and down that one
And then the sperm gets to the balls
And they're like, wait, what the fuck?
Did we turn around?
Because we're in the balls again
Whose balls are these?
These aren't even his balls
Oh, he's gay, fuck, all right, okay
All right, well, let's just swim around until we're dead
This is the way it is
You're not going to...
A baby will never come out of a penis
It's good. It's a good thing
But it's hard for women
Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis dickhole
Even just a hand
Yeah, anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt
That's why
And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there
So that was that
That was the gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn't have babies
And then and then a lot of other couples are doing it more around the turn of the century
I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place
And everybody there gets Chinese babies
It's very popular
They go because, and it's not because they can't have babies
And it's not because they're trying to help somebody from far away
It's because they just busy
They're busy
They want to have a baby, but they don't want to have a baby You know what I mean?
That thing where you, you can't have your baby and eat it too or whatever
I don't know how that works They don't want to get pregnant is the point
So they go to China
They don't even go to China
They go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby
It's true
They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby
And they go to cocktail parties
We have a Chinese baby
It's amazing
And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone looking at each other
Like, what are we doing? What is it?
What is this? Why can't either of us see our families
Why?
What the fuck is the point of this?