Love is just so complicated
Love is frankly overrated
The more we learn, the less we seem to know
And though we know you may say "pish"
We sometimes have a private wish
That we could change the status quo, oh, oh, oh
Wouldn't it be nice to be a lesbian?
Telling all the chaps to take a hike
I don't want to get too graphic
But my smile would be seraphic
If tomorrow I was sapphic and could share my partner's bike
Look, no bar!
I'd turn my back on every Casanova
To share my life with someone who revered Navratilova
It might not be comme il faut, but
If someone bumped my doughnut
Then I might be very happy as a dyke
Wouldn't it be nice to be a lesbian?
And sleep with any woman that I choose
A girlfriend just like Ellen, or a female Ian McKellen
Or even Spice Girl Melanie, the one with the tattoos
Phwoah!
I would find it really life-enhancing
Spending every single Friday night line-dancing
As we twirl to K.D. Lang
My yang would meet her yang
Do-si-doing in a pair of comfy shoes
Wouldn't it be nice to be a lesbian?
If only there was something I could do
But I find it makes me grumpy
When both the chests are bumpy
And I'd miss the rumpy-pumpy
Yes I'm sorry, but it's true
I like the way the two bits fit together
So do I!
With no disrespect to birds of a different feather
And it would be a waste to
Use a turkey baster
To make that strip of Litmus turn to blue
The Appalachian will not stick to me
I won't have a strapadictomy
And I'm afraid I'm not a lesbian, boo-hoo
So as my theories all collapse
I'll admit it, I love chaps
Russell!
Sorry
And I'll never be a lesbian, how about you?