You know Charlie Brown, Nestor, and Frosty the Snowman
Miracles, Santa Clause, Grinches, and KEVINS!!!!
But do you recall the worst Christmas Special of all?
Hey kids! and adult collectors
Gather round your TV screens
We've got a surprise for you
Give us your attention please
We know you've only got three channels
It's the 1970s
And you've all just had your minds blown
From the OG sci-fi fantasy
Do you like STAR WARS?
Have you begged your mom and dad for the latest action figures
That you're hoping will be under the tree?
FUCK YEAH, it's STAR WARS!
Your favorite characters reunited
Being forced against their will
To fulfill a binding contract
That they should have read more carefully
Watch the actors' souls die
As they smile through their teeth
The Star Wars Holiday Special!
...it's just Chewy's family
Wait, Chewy has a family?
Apparently
But he's a smuggler!
He's flying around the galaxy with Han Solo.
I know
So he just abandons his family?
They must hate him.
No, they really miss him.
They've got this big tree house with contemporary 70s furniture
And a zillion tvs they're watching Cirque du Soleil
And Jefferson Starship on.
They're waiting for him to come home for Life Day
Because Chewy NEVER MISSES LIFE DAY.
What is Life Day?
I don't know.
But don't you want to hear about Chewy's family?
No, not really.
Well, too bad.
Chewy's father Itchy's face looks like a facehugger's cocoon
He gums himself to disco porn right in the living room
Mala, Chewy's wife, wears an apron in the kitchen
She's making bantha chunks in a tub that Itchy bathed in
Lumpy is the son of Chewy
Who someday will need therapy
Dealing with the father that was never ever there
It's Star Wars
It's not really what you wanted
But please trust us when we tell you
That we tried to make it work
It's kind of Star Wars
For some reason, Lucas thought it was a wonderful idea
To explore the universe
Of the only character who can't use words
There's 30 minutes of listening to
What sounds like a goat being tortured
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Harrison Ford looks so uncomfortable
Oh cool! So Han Solo is there?
Yes
Are there any more original characters appearing in the special?
Yeah, all of them.
SWEET!
Are they racing through the galaxy, using the force,
Fighting to the death in light saber battles
And narrowly escaping in the Millennium Falcon??
No. Not really.
Then what are they doing?
Well...
Princess Leia's doing taxes with help from C3PO
She's got that one long fingernail
That's meant for doing blow
Luke is wearing makeup 'cuz it's right after the crash
Silencing and treating R2-D2 like he's trash
And Chewy is with Han in an acid trip cartoon
...that somehow Lumpy's watching while he's hiding in his room
It's Star Wars
Because nothing says the holidays
Like children being mildly hazed
And having all their toys destroyed
By The Empire
It's Star Wars
Forget about your lightsabers
Cuz you won't see a one
And there's barely any fighting
Though you'll wish you had a gun
I only heard one Wilhelm scream
...And not one PEW PEW
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Bea Arthur's in it, too
BEA ARTHUR???
What's she doing in it?
She's the nighttime bartender at Chalmun's Cantina on Tatooine.
The Empire orders a curfew and she sings a cabaret song
While begging a bunch of drunk rubber monsters to leave.
The scene would have actually fit in great at Misfit Cabaret,
But it makes no sense in the special.
So how does it end?
Well...
Chewy and Han are back
And are instantly attacked
By a storm trooper who's chasing after Lumpy
But the helmets make it hard to see
It's why they can't hit anything
He trips over a log
Falls to his death
And that's what should have been the ending...
So what's the ending??
All of the main characters join Chewy and his family on Ka-Sheek.
They put on culty red robes and gather around Princess Leia,
Who tells the Wookies that this day belongs to them,
And then commences to making it about herself
As she sings a song about Life Day
During the Wookies' sacred ceremony.
I can't believe this movie exists.
Why have I never heard about it?
Because George Lucas doesn't want you to know about it.
If he had his way, he would destroy every last copy of the film,
And he's tried.
But thankfully the INTERNET exists,
And just like THE RING,
If you come across a copy,
You have to create another copy and share it,
Or in 7 days YOU DIE.
Why? Are you mad at George Lucas or something?
He knows what he did.
Tampering with masterpieces.
Forcing me to buy The Phantom Menace
Because he refuses to sell the movies separately online.
Jar Jar Binks.
It's a such a shame.
It's not all bad.
Not all of the Holiday Special was a total crime
We meet Boba Fett for the very first time
...and?
Oh, no, sorry, that's it.
We meet Boba Fett.
FUCK YEAH, IT'S STAR WARS
It doesn't matter if you hated it
George Lucas knows he owns you
And you'll buy and watch anything he makes
YEAH, IT'S STAR WARS
We're just two years away
From The Empire Strikes Back
Which is mind-blowingly awesome
And Return of The Jedi is great
I like the Ewoks
These movies shaped our childhoods
And inspired genera-tions
But The Star Wars Holiday Special
It's just Chewy's family