The magazine is now my good friend I'm thrilled the moment it is opened It feels so beautiful to pretend I'm glad it's not goddamned sensational Rolling up my sleeves to find out What the stinking fuss is about I need to prove without a doubt That nobody is losing their marbles The psychic friends are here to help us And hot line girls I know are a must In consolidated bills we trust Personal injury lawyers are wonderful I have got to know what's a postcoital glow I need to know A-wop bam boom a-boop bop a-what to do Quality control is sure great Any job done well is first rate Pride in workmanship is worth the wait Happiness is a thirty day warranty The diet I've been on is so good I've lost more weight than I thought I could My abs are like they're made of fine wood I fit right in with the people I admire most