Well, I've lived a life of mediocre mediocrity
The only prize I ever won, I couldn't give away for free
I want to see a gypsy and when she turned up the cards
She saw tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
Well, my problem started early with Grandpa's fishin' pole
I was always playing hookey down at the fishin' hole
Well, they dragged me to the principle's kickin' out of control
He said, "Bend over, Buster, hush your rigmarole"!
Well, my teenage years were sadder than the frown of a clown
They called me "Less than Worthless" back in my hometown
I asked my uncle Louie why life was so hard
He said, " Tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts"
Tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
I've been, oh, bad news or no news at all, yay yay
Some folks went to college
Others went to work
I wasn't good at either
And I always spoiled dessert
Oh, I'd jam washers in the juke-box
Down-right cheat at shootin' pool
Like nobody's business I kept breakin' all the rules
Then I asked a girl to marry
She said, "No!" before I asked
She said, "No girl in her right mind would take on such a task"
Well, a horrow-show was made in town
And I got the villain's part
Causin' tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
Tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
Well, the only kind of luck I've had was luck in reverse
They asked me how I'd sunk so low
And I answered, "oh, I've been cursed!"
Well, the judge felt my humor wasn't humorous at all
He said, " I'm sendin' you down River, son, you're gonna have a ball
Hobnobbin' with the robbers at the Alcatraz mall"
Well, they gave me a life in prison, no parole down the line
They locked me up and threw the key to Grandfather time
Guess I come from the two "Jailbirds", strode away on no hazard
Causin' tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
Tears and sad faces and broken, chokin' hearts
I've been bad news, or no news at all
Hay hay hay hay, hoo-poop-du-du...
They gave me life-time-guaranteed, red-hot, wall-to-wall
Bargains worth nothin' at the Alcatraz mall! Yooh, what fun, yeah!