This is the strangest story that you'll ever hear
Unless you can't hear
In which case, this'll be the weirdest tale you've ever lip-read
I'll tell you the story of a dangerous man
Some say he was born with a gun in his hand
An only child and a motherless son
In his class he was the difficult one
He had a predilection for killing and hating
And his name was an anagram of Satan
Bad attitude, bad blood, bad grammar
A man by the name of Stana
Whoa, Stana
Talking about a bad man, London
A very bad man
An evil man
His very name was a Satan-agram
He's the kind of man who would walk around without any pants on
And take a Viagra
Just pop into town at the supermarket with an erection
Man, he'd would poke babies in the eye
Unrelated to the last fact
He'd steal your goat, you don't know what he would do with it
Bad things
He'd steal your WiFi
His name was a Satan-agram
Just like Santa
But he was nothing like Santa
No, Santa is a wonderful man
Who brings presents
Comes down your chimney and brings you presents
Whereas Stana is just a man who comes down your chimney
Why someone do that?
Ruin a lovely fireside evening
Well, them people
They were sick of him groping their goats and raping their sheep
Then one night
They drugged his drink
They tried to sneak out while he was asleep
But Stana awoke before they got out of town
Because their drug was just too weak
He gathered them 'round
Shot every one of them down
Right there in the street
He shot everybody in the town down
And then you know what he said?
He said, "I'm out of this place
This town's dead anyway!"
He kinda did it like that, where the head went
"This town's dead anyway"
"It's too soon, Stana"
"That's rude! What are you?"
He's literally adding insult to injury
He put on his hat and got on his horse
And to a new town he set his course
Went to a place to grab a bite to eat
Could not believe what he saw out on that street
Outside where the wind blew into two directions
Stana seemed to look at his own reflection
A man identical to imperfection
Same eyes, same lies, same sized erection
Oh, erection
I know what you're thinking
You're thinking he had a big one
Nope
Oh, you thought 'cause he was a bad boy, he'd have a big ol' one
Yeah
You thought he'd have a big huge-a-rooni
No, no, no, no, no
No, London
No, London
That's a rumor put out by bad guys
Oh, yeah
"Give me all your money, and when they come
You say I had a big one."
Well, I was just gonna mention
You know who does have big ones is musicians
Right
Exactly, definitely
Well, they drew their guns
Both at once and aimed their shots directly
No one there had seen such a thing
Well, it's not what you'd expect to see
Bullets flew at the very same time
On the very same trajectory
What I say is true
'Cause I was there
And them bullets flew right next to me
Yeah
Them bullets stopped right there as they met in the air
Then they fell to the ground without making a sound
Each man dropped his jaw and fired five more
Each pair of bullets was the same as before
They raised their brows as they saw the side
Of the bullets as they stopped each others flight
As though they were filled with pure elation
They began to laugh 'cause it was quite a funny situation
Whoa, funny situation
Turns out this other guy's name is Anats
Satan-agram
The two men couldn't shoot each other
'Cause they were absolutely perfectly matched in every way
So instead, they went to a cafe
They started chatting
Turned out they had more in common than just physical appearances
That's right, very similar experiences
They'd done a lot of the same things
And they loved the same kind of activities
Like hurting people and maiming
They, they got on like a house on fire
Which is also one of the first things they did together
They both shared a love for predatory large cats
You know, tigers
Lions
Ocelots
Lynxes
You have any big cats here in London?
They're like big beavers
They don't have beavers
You guys don't have beavers?
What the fuck? Oh, Badgers
That's what you guys have
Badgers, that's what they
Go hunting for English beavers
They became attached together
Like a brain and a tumor
Same taste, same hobbies
Same sense of humor
They bought a farm, started breeding puma
And they became lovers
Well, that's the rumor
Well, that's what happened when Anats met Stana
But they say we all got our doppelganger
That might be false
But it might be true
Oh, what would you do if you met you?
That's the real question
What would you do if you met yourself?
If you were confronted by your own person?
Maybe you'd look at that other you in the eye, and just think
"I understand you
Because I am you."
And you'd walk up to that person
And you'd hold them
The way you've always wanted to be held
But no one's ever got it quite right
Sometimes they've done it too tightly
Sometimes they've done it too loosely
With their arms all floppy like spaghetti
Dangling around
But this hug between you and that other you
Is a perfect consistency of hug
Then, while you're there with your hands around your self
You think, "Well, I wonder what my butt feels like."
And you just, like
You know, like, spider-walk one of your hands
Down to your other self's butt-on!
And give it a little squeeze
And "Whoa!
What's happening back there?"
The other you's doing the same thing
Hello
Is this wrong?
And then you wonder
"I wonder if I'm a good kisser."
So you kiss that other you
And you know what?
Straight away it feels right, it feels good
It feels like love
They've fallen in love
An emotional connection
Two very evil men
With minuscule erections
Stana and Anats
Anats and Stana
Looking after each other now
Looking after panthers
They used to be murderin', murderin', murderin'
Now they're cuddlin', cuddlin', cuddlin'
Used to be threatenin', threatenin', threatenin'
Now they're getting big cats and pettin' em
Used to be homicidal and killin'
Now, they're in a domicile and chillin'
Used to be slayin' and slayin' and slayin'
And now they're gayin' and gayin' and gayin'
They found a little love
They found a little love
They found a little love
They found a little love
They found a little love
Sorry about that
That was just far too long
That was
It was like a whole show
Yeah
Don't know if it's gotten longer every night