Uh, hello!
Uh, hey
You're probably here to see Frank, huh?
Who's Frank?
You'll see, go ahead, take a seat
How's it going? (Good)
Uh, quick question though
Where am I?
You're in The After (The After?)
Yup, the great beyond
You're dead my friend, you are dead
My name is Frank, and, while we finish up your paperwork
Let's have your exit interview, shall we?
Uh, I'm really confused right now
That's okay, it'll all make sense soon
Welcome to the After
You're in another chapter
(Take a seat, pal) while we look at your disasters
With laughter, we've captured every moment you've ever had
From the super glad, to the very sad, or the really bad
Like when you told lies to that broke guy
Asked if you had change, you said my hands are tied
You slapped your thighs, said, "Sorry sir, I just buy with credit cards
But I'll get you next time, so bye-bye"
Do you remember when you were on the phone with Grand-Pop
Half-cocked, scrolling through the 'gram, when you had to stop
Saw a girl in a loose crop
Started licking your lips like a kid in a candy shop
Now, I'm not the cops, but your pops was trying to talk to you
And you were tuned out, with family in front of you
(That's not fair!)
You weren't there, your attention was broken
You were hopin' your gramps wouldn't notice
You were floating but as he anecdote, he laughed at his own joke
Asked what you thought, then your brain choked (isn't that right, son?)
You said, "Hey, could you repeat that? My reception here is real bad"
Dude, that's so sad
But doesn't it matter that I tried to be kind?
Like I've always tried to be a good person
Ultimately, doesn't that matter at all?
Did you try?
You really tried? Like you really, really, really tried? (I think so)
Look here kid you got it mixed up
Thought you did a lot, but you didn't do enough
You tried your best, you just confessed
You made your nest, you like to rest
You puffed your chest, like Adam West
Little Batman, run away from the Robin
Might as well jump inside of your coffin
Come-a-knockin', frankly, now we're talkin'
Shakin' things up like you're rockin' maracas
You put stock in your options, ride to the top
Won't stop 'til you drop this, pantomime's up
Try Mr. Nice Guy, if the time's right
Then you'll do a good deed for a treat like a dog, ruff
So, does that mean I'm goin' to Heaven or no?
That's a great question, okay
We still gotta process your paperwork
But before we decide where to place you
I'd like to give you an opportunity (I'm listening)
Here in the After, we are all about truth
Now, up north, anyone can watch anyone else's tapes
Down south, not so much
With full transparency with what happened in the before
Peace is brought to the After, does that make sense? (I think so)
Great, well, we have all of human history on tape right here
And uh, just incase this is it for you, I'll let you sneak a peak
What do you wanna know?
Wow, I, I can see anything?
Yes, it's a big decision
Uh, okay, um, I wanna know, I want to know
Oh, I wanna know if my high school girlfriend cheated on me
You, you what?
My high school girlfriend, I want to know if she cheated on me
Are you sure?
A hundred percent
Okay, let's pull up the tape (now before that)
That was a test, and you failed
You're going south (aw, man)
Stan? (Already on it?)
(Come on, you're coming with me)
Wait, wait, wait, but did she cheat on me?
Still? You're going to Hell, man
I know, it's just been on my mind a lot
It's too late dude, it's too late
Just take it easy when you see her down there, okay?
I knew it!
(Alright, come on tough guy, we gotta get going)
I know, God, that's so disappointing
Hey, just shoot me a text when we get another one
I have to pee real quick