Ladies and gentlemen
Here he is
The "now" comedian
For the "now" generation
Mister Rudy Ray Moore
And I ain't lyin' either!
Some folks say that Willie Green
Was the baddest motherfucker the world ever seen
But I want you to light you up a joint and take a real good shit
And screw your wig on tight
And let me tell you about the little bad motherfucker called Dolemite
Now Dolemite was from San Antonio
A ramblin', scramblin', gamblin' lil' young motherfucker from the day he was born
Why, the day he was dropped from his mommy's ass
He slapped his papa's face and said
"From now on, cocksucker, I'm runnin' this place!"
At the age of one
He was drinkin' whiskey and gin
At the age of ten he was eating the bottles they came in
Now Dolemite had an uncle called Sudden Death
Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath
When his uncle heard how Dolemite was treatin' his own ma and pa
He said, "Let me go and check this lil' bad rascal before he go too far"
Now one cold dark December night
His uncle broke in on Dolemite
Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or four
When his uncle come breaking through the door
His uncle said, "Dolemite, said I want you to straighten up
And treat yo' brother right, 'cause if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin'
I'm gon' whoop your ass till your heart stop beatin'"
Dolemite sittin' in the middle of the floor playin'
He said, "I see your lips quiverin' unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin' word you're sayin'"
This made his uncle mad
He let off with wrath that made lightning flash
But Dolemite tore his leg off, he was that damn fast
Now the men of San Antonio gathered around that night
To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called Dolemite
It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town
To finally roll Dolemite's ass down, and put him in jail
They held him without bail
If you think his mami was happy, you should have seen his papi
Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed
The average motherfucker woulda long, long been dead
Now the Warden called Dolemite, said, "Dolemite
I'ma gon' tell you what we gon' do
We gon' give you a dollar and a half and a damn good knee up
If you promise to leave us alone and get your bad ass out of San Antonio"
Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good knee up
And said, "I'm gon' tell you old, jarred, moulded, ancient, decrepit motherfuckers how I feel
Said, "Y'all can suck my dick, nuts and ass down to the motherfuckin' bone
Because I ain't never comin' back to San Antonio"
Now Dolemite weren't no more than thirteen, when they let him out the cage
He said, "I'll thank the poor cross sea and try my fate"
He got a job in Africa kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape
He got run out of South America for fuckin' steers
He fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears
Now Dolemite worked for five years and a day, got his pay
Said, "Well, I'll leave, I'll go back to that jive-ass U.S.A"
Where the news of the heavyweight fight was bein' broadcast that night
And a special bulletin, said, "Look out, storms, atomic bombs, and Dolemite"
Now the first thing Dolemite encountered, was two big Rocky Mountains
He said, "Now, what y'all gon' do?"
They said, "We gon' part, Mr. Dolomite, and let yo' bad ass through"
Now Dolemite went on down to Kansas city
Chicken asses till both shoes were shitty
Hobo'd in desire
Who did he run into but that badass, two gun Pete?
He said, "Move over, and let me pass
'Fore they have to pull these triple A's out your motherfuckin' ass"
Went on down to 42nd Street
Looked, but no shit, but someplace he could sleep and eat
Run in to that shy neighbour, of all the hoes, she was the boss
She'd suck ya, fuck ya, and jack ya off
She said, "Come on down to my bed, Dolemite"
Said, "We gon' fuckin' fight till broad daylight"
Dolemite said, "Bitch, I had a job in Africa
Kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape
So then I got run out of South America for fuckin' steers
So then I fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears"
Mabel said, "I don't care where you goin' and where you been
Said, "I plan to wrap this good hot juicy pussy all around your badass chin"
Dolemite said, "Bitch, it's best you not fuck with me"
Said, "I better run you down some of my pedigree
So that's when they crossed muddy rivers that ain't never got wet
Mountains this fellow, old man ain't dead yet
I fucked an elephant and dad and her mother
I can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butt
I fucked another elephant down to a coon
Even fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the motherfuckin' moon
So I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick
And ate nine tonnes of catshit and ain't never got sick
And you talk about wrapping your hot juicy pussy all around my badass chin
Bitch! You oughta be blowin' up my ass tryna be my motherfuckin' friend"
Oh, but Mabel bought it
That's when the fuckin' started
She made her pussy do the mojo, the popcorn, the turkey, and the grime
Left Dolemite's ass nine strokes behind
She threw pussy up Dolemite's back, come out of his ears, down his side
Run out of his bonded
Damn near pulled his asshole outta the sucker
But Dolemite suddenly made a mojo turn
Had the crabs around that bitches asshole, hollerin', "Burn, baby, burn!"
But the next mornin' they found Mabel dead
With her jaws wrapped around a nappy ass head
And the crabs was madder than a motherfucker
To see Dolemite eat 'em out of they goddamn supper
But Dolemite kept on kickin' asses and fuckin' up in the fold
Till finally his roll was called
They had his viewing
Carried him down to the graveyard
Dolemite was dead
But his dick was still hard
The preacher said, "Ashes to ashes
And dust to dust
Said I'm glad
This little bad motherfucker called Dolemite
Is no longer here with us, bye bye"