Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
Is it too much to think, with the blankets so thick
That the cold air is caring, there's some sort of fairness
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
Is it too much to think there's a meaning among it
A hand in the water to lift me above it?
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
That there's some sort of magic with so many names
A god or a spirit, we all sometimes feel it
A lie or a promise of something when I've not been doing well
A made up creator or spirits of nature, I don't even mind if it's totally fake
I can grab onto air if I'm told it's a rope when I'm doing well
But show me the kingdom of god when I'm broken
And I'll find a reason the whole thing is hopeless
A liar I totally trust every time I'm not doing well
So maybe I'll need something more than what's real
When I'm told there's no healing wrapped up in this feeling
No matter how hard I keep trying, I'll never keep doing well
I need something more than what's worldly and average
I need something cosmic, come feed me some magic
Just something that doesn't break down every time I'm not doing well
Though love is the ultimate joy in the world
It still stops at the gates of the infinite forest
If love is the ultimate truth then I think I might need a lie
Awareness is what got me into this mess
So maybe some blindness will grant me some rest
Or maybe the lies are the actual natural way of life
And eyes ever opened will make you feel hopeless
So do what you can to keep life out of focus
My god is the greatest of gods 'cause it eats all the other ones
Worship of truth of a god most uncaring
The others enforce it but this one eats fairness
Demanding we sacrifice anything that might be made from soul
Burn off your dreams that aren't made from what's real
And remove all the crutches that keep you from healing
Or anything else that we need to believe just to do our best
The truth can be worn by the cruelest disease
As it uses its name and it makes me believe
Lots of things that are more without proof than a lot of that other stuff
Then truth that was banished walks back to the kingdom
The people rejoice and the choirs are singing
So be there to open the gate when you hear that soft knocking sound
But can you be certain the god has returned?
Because maybe it's something that's planning to hurt you
Is it too much to ask that things I contend with make any sense?
Or sense was the way that we learned to contend
With the thoughts and emotions that all seem to end
In the moment when I go from doing to not really doing well
Once you've encountered the worst of all feelings
It doesn't make sense because sense as we know it
Is just how you organize minds that are normal and doing well
Madness is more like a kid in a forest
With no one to guide because no one's explored it
It's not somewhere most people go so we never quite made the words
People who go and come back do their best
To describe it to others but most of the rest of them
Think that it's art and its fun 'cause it takes you to other worlds
But those who have spent any time in that forest
Can see what's been said, and then just for a moment
Can feel like they might not be endlessly, totally, all alone
And that's why this song is as long as it is
There's a chance that I'd maybe be scrapping a lyric
That reaches from sound like a hug for a brain, saying "you'll be fine"
Something to have when the monster returns
When it says you're alone maybe something to turn to
And know that I swear to my god as of right now I do believe
Regardless of where anybody is starting
That there is a life that is worth all the hardship
'Cause somehow my god of the truth doesn't mind when I say those words
So maybe there's something alive in the stars
Because hope is divine but it comes from within us
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
The arc of the story is totally different
When I am the hero, but also the villain
We're told that there's evil among us but this one feels deep inside
And it's hard when it bites me to punch at its teeth
'Cause I aim for the mouth and then realize it's me
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
Is it too much to think with the blankets so thick
That the cold air is caring, there's some sort of fairness?
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
That this not be an island surrounded by lake
That this not be a daydream and I'll just wake up
Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well?
That the serums are more than a way to conceal
That it wasn't a bandage, I've really been healed
But there's no way to know until one day I'll just not be doing well
And then when that ends, add a couple of months
And the thoughts that I'm writing return all at once
But deep down at the base of my brain I know when I've been doing well
A timer is ticking I can't hear the chimes
I wish I could break it and find out who winds it
And say "What the hell, do you think it's a game to be doing well?"
What a sick sense of humor that maker must have
To wait 'til I feel like I have it controlled and then
Crush me like leaves in the fall in the hands of a walking child
Picked at and pulled without thoughts in a moment
The boredom of stars or it's something much colder
If nothing's in charge, well, then who should I ask to keep doing well?
'Cause the experts I speak to tell stories quite clear
"Though you're safe for a while you'll never quite heal
You will walk with this now 'til the day when your body says, "Friends, farewell"
The fight will be over as soon as you are
And we noticed you've already added some scars
You will never be quite as you were, you will never have nothing wrong
Your old life is dead but let's keep you alive
As you're coming to terms with the rest of your life
And I know it seems crazy but one day you will be at peace with this
Until then, we need you to try to stay focused
We'll do what we can, but for now when you're hopeless
Just try not to do anything that you know you cannot take back
And if you can manage to spare your own life
Then we promise we'll make this whole thing worth your while"
So I made a deal with myself and decided to choose a day
About ten months later, a Monday in May
But until then I swore that I'd do what they say
I will take what you tell me to take, I will do what you say to do
All while believing it all was a lie
But at least at the end, I could say that I tried
Then a light began flickering somewhere inside a collapsing star
A child that's mine that I never conceived
But we grew up together and now I believe
It was hope in the form of an angel who thought it was not my time
Hope out of nothing is purely divine
We become our own gods when we save our own lives
And the date came and went, and I reread the note that I'd sent myself
I have so much respect and I owe such a debt
To the person I was who decided to give us some time
Just to see and make sure there were no possibilities
Although he was certain those boxes were empty
He chose to make sure and it turns out there's plenty
Of ways for a person like him and like me to be doing well
I owe him my life 'cause he had every right
To spare him that pain but he spared our whole life
And although it's impossible I understand that it makes no sense
I think if I somehow could send him a message
I'd say not a word 'cause I think it'd be selfish
To ask him to stay just so one day he'd slowly turn into me
A bargain he made on his own I won't question
But I couldn't bring me to make that suggestion
To ask someone else to exist in that place is a crazy thing
But if he can do it I think I can too
I'm inspired by all of the things that he went through
Although he was certain he never again would be doing well
The thought of it truly just never occurred
I wish I could bring him to now and say
"You are my parent and you are my son and I am just so proud of you
You're braver than I know you ever imagined
And I'm only here 'cause you chose to allow it
For reasons I still and don't think that I ever will understand
With weights on your ankles, you chose to keep swimming
Not even believing the fight was worth winning
You chose to continue to let yourself drown in a burning lake
You had the option but you didn't take it
To say your goodbyes and be brought to the sky
But you chose to continue to burn and be burned every single day
With no way to know that it'd ever be worth it
With no guarantee that you'd ever stop hurting
With voices that yelled: 'there's no use, you will never be free from this
You'll burn 'til the day when you finally give in
So why are you waiting for even one second?'
The seconds you gave turned to months, turned to years, turned to who I am
I promise that none of that will be in vain
I will give all I have and I'll do something great
'Cause I know just exactly how much you decided to sacrifice
I've been back to that lake and I still can't believe
That you stayed even though you thought you'd never leave
Thought if others could feel what you felt, they would tell you it's fine to leave
It's only because they don't know what it's like
When they ask you to stay they can say it so lightly
I'd pause as I'd say that to me even knowing the things I know
So it means so much more that you did it in blindness
I'll cherish this life that you birthed out of kindness
I can't understand it but just sort of wish I could shake your hand
I wish you could know what a hero you are
I will write down your story and spread it across
All the world so that people who stand in that lake might feel some relief
That you never got but that now can be given
I'll find the right words and be sure they're delivered
In only the finest of ways I'll make songs that you'll never hear
For whatever it's worth, I'll just say one more thank you
You showed me that life, even mine, is worth saving"