Self-help talks; money walks
Everybody wants to change with a two-week course
If you're like me you need a little trick
'Cause you're currently shit at dealing with conflict
Don't start a fight
But don't avoid everything in life
You've gotta get it just right
Here's your solution
A role model for your conflict resolution
Superman
Too fictitious
And laser vision is a little too vicious
Jesus Christ
Yes, turn the other cheek
But if done every time, it gets me beat
You need a six-foot-two bespectacled motherfucker who won't suffer no fool
He's a big bad dog from the BBC
And he won't break eye contact with a Nazi
You're in charge; you can do it
Just get Louis Theroux it
You're in charge; you can do it
Just get Louis, g-g-g-get Louis
You're in charge; you can do it
Just get Louis, get Louis
Don't get scared but don't pursue it
Get Louis Theroux it
"Hey, nice shirt, asshole!"
I couldn't help but feel there'd been a communication breakdown between the random man that'd shouted at me on the street and myself
"What the fuck is that? Who's speaking right now?"
"Shut up"
I regret that I had lost my temper
"I apologise for shouting in anger"
But my hopes were through genuine discourse we could dissolve the tension that had grown between us
Step one
Ask a question; make it surprisingly genuine
"Do you feel the need to comment on other people's shirts because you know your own shirt is shit?"
Step two
Don't react; don't retract, but don't attack
There's only one rule from here on out:
Keep eye contact
(Keep eye contact)
(Keep eye contact)
(Keep eye contact)
(Keep eye contact)
Even when they leave
(Keep)
Even when they sleep
(Keep)
Make sure that you are the one that's staring at them in their dreams
(Dreams, dreams, dreams, dr-dr-dr-dr-dr—)
You're in charge; you can do it
Ask a question; keep control
Get Louis, get Louis
Stare into their mortal soul
You're in charge; you can do it
Invade their mind while they're unconscious
(Get Louis, get Louis) (You're in charge; you can do it)
Feast upon their weak subconscious
Upon invading the dreams of my most recent victim, I'd begun to feel my host body had become quarrelsome and resistant
"Hello? Who's speaking?"
"I am me. I am you. You are me. We are Louis"
"I don't care. Who—why—why is—oh my God – what did you do to him?!"
"I am Louis"
"I am Louis"
"I am Louis"
"I was beginning to feel—"
"No! No beginning to feel; no reflective gonzo journalism; and no demonic possession!"
"I am Louis"
"Louis was meant to resolve conflict; you're just creating more pain"
"There is no p-p-p-pain, no hurt; there can be no suffering if there is only Louis"
"I am Louis"
"I am Louis"
"And this is your house, is it?"
"Stop it now; this is too niche a content!"
"Silence, mortal! You have invoked Louis within your own mind, and for that there is no content too niche
No reference too obscure
No logical progression of joke too stupid and absurd
With thine eyes we see all
Every conceivable past
Every possible future
And every twelve-year-old neo-Nazi
Female bodybuilder ultra-Zionist
And Westboro Baptist member that dares meet our gaze shall join our fold
As sure as you yourself shall be Louis"
I was beginning to feel
Omnipotent
You're in charge; you can do it
Deal with conflict; treat them kind
Get Louis, get Louis
Hold their soul and bend their mind
You're in charge; you can do it
You can set up your own rhyme
When you see through all space and time
You're in charge; you can do it
G-g-get Louis Theroux it