I came crawling home last night, like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore"
She said, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, we'll put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way to our bathroom down the hall"
She said, "Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here
And I'll keep on tap for all your friends their favorite kinds of beer
And for you, I'll always keep in stock those soft aluminum cans
And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man"
She said, "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard-boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more
There'll be Monday night football on TV above the bar
And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car"
She said, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way, to our bathroom down the hall"
She said, You'll get friendly service, and for added atmosphere
I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here
Then you can slap my bottom every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're brok""
She said,"Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar-room brawl
When the Ham's bear says it's closing time, you won't have far to crawl
And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off next morning while I'm putting it in the ban"
She said,"I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
Then when you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst
Well, there won't be any reason why you can't stop off here first"
She said, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way to our bathroom down the hall"
She said, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table...