I went out last night
And I ordered a glass of vino
And I was like, "well done, mature woman"
"You ordered a glass of vino"
I was with my very good friend Dino
Dino is the only name that rhymes with vino
We had a drink
Then we had another drink
And then we had a break
Before we had another lots of drinks
We thought we'd change it up
And do some karaoke singing
But when I stood up from my chair
I knew I was absolutely smashed
I drank too much
Then I fell down the stairs
And I broke both my shoes
Then I pulled the handrail off the wall
Then the bouncer came to me
And he said, "You have to leave"
And I was like "I'm fine"
"But thanks for your concern"
So I went back up the stairs
Well, I fell back down the stairs
And then guess what?
I fell back down the stairs
Then Dino said, "You should go home"
And I was like "No, you are"
So I put more lipstick on
And went back to the bar
Where I bought more drinks
For all of my friends
My friends at the bar
I'm giving out drinks like I'm Oprah
Then the bouncer came to me
And he said, "I'm watching you"
And I was like, "I'm watching you too"
I was feeling at my best
I was dancing like Mic Jagger
Had a wee stain on my dress
And two glasses of Goldschläger
Then the DJ played my song
So I climbed up on the bar
And I sang my favorite song, it went
"Yeah, come on, baby"
"Won't you please be..."
I drank too much
Then I fell off the bar
Didn't know I was pregnant
Is my favorite TV show, yeah
Then the bouncer came to me
And he said "I'm kicking you out"
And I was like "No!"
And he was like "Yes!"
And I was like "You've got the wrong man!"
I drank too much
Now I'm outside the bar
But it was my choice
Nobody tells me what to do
Then I thought "You know what?"
"Now's a good time"
"To send lots of texts"
Shit, where's my phone?
Oh, it's in my hand
So I text my boss
And I said
"You're a rubbish boss" yeah
But it was predictatext
It said "Yeah we bugs baloon"
But she knows what I mean
Then my tummy did a rumba
I got hunger tunnel vision
Got my eyes on salty-fries
And some greasy deep-fried chicken
I had twenty p to my name
'Cause I spent all my cash on booze
When I went into the chicken shop
They said that twenty p won't do
So I flashed my boobs
They gave me meal number three
Chicken burger, four wings
And a leg, large fries and a can of Coke
Yes! My body, my choice
But as I opened up the door
I dropped all my chicken on the floor
I'm not proud, but I still ate it
I drank too much
Then I got in an Uber
And the driver yelled at me
"Don't be sick in my car"
I said "I won't be sick in your"
"Uuugh!"
I drank too much
Then I found my way home
But I lost my keys
So I had to break into my conservatory
This is a public warning
For those with conservatories
They're easy to break into when you're drunk
Nobody's safe
I drank too much
Fell asleep on the floor
Then when I woke up
And a woman yelled at me
"Get out of my conservatory!"
It's not my house
This isn't my house
Where is my house?
Has anybody seen my house?
And where is Dino?
Where the hell is Dino?
Oh, who am I kidding?
Dino isn't real
Dino isn't real
Dino isn't real
I made him up so I don't
Have to drink on my own
So that morning I had to go to work
'Cause that's what mature women do
Side note, I found my house keys
Inside my broken shoe
My boss wanted a word
To discuss my drunken text
And when I went into her office
I blew chunks across her desk
Surprise, I was fired
Adulting is harder than you think
So to commiserate
I'm going for another drink
With Dino
Where I'll drink too much