Everywhere I go, the crowds all cheer me
I love this job, it's made me very rich
People pay good money
Every night to come and hear me
Guess I'm just a jammy bitch
I sing like Lulu, play like Liberace
And J.Lo says she's jealous of my bum
And yet, beneath this smiling mask
I weep like Pagliacci
For there's a maggot in my plum
I've got the colleagues from hell
Miss Liza and Dame Adèle
And I deserve the Nobel
For putting up with the two of them for years
Frankly, my dears, I'm bored to tears
They drive me insane
But I'm too old to retrain
And so until my retirement to Spain
I am stuck with my colleagues from hell
(She is stuck with her colleagues from hell)
I've got the colleagues from hell
To think that we used to gel
Each frightful Mademoiselle
Takes great delight in putting me through the mill
Their talent is nil, they're over the hill
One of them stinks
The other never buys drinks
And did you know they are both seeing shrinks?
But that won't help my colleagues from hell
For all the time we're forced to spend together
We might as well be married, where's the noose?
Umpteen years developing a hide of bloody leather
Rampant egos on the loose
Every little thing becomes a drama
I want to push their faces in the soup
As I was saying to Siobhan the day she left Bananarama
Who needs another three girl group?
I've got those colleagues from hell
I wish we could say farewell
I'm in a different hotel
'Cause I can't cope with them always stealing the towels
Their nightly prowls and thunderous bowels
Oh, when will it end?
My smile is only pretend
Oh, you'd go crazy if you had to spend
All these years with the colleagues from hell
Oh, I'm not too proud
To say that three is a crowd
And I am thinking of moving to Stroud
Or else I'll be due for the shroud
Oh, I don't know why I allowed
All these years to go by
While we all lived a lie
And we've got the colleagues from hell