Over two thousand years ago when dinosaurs ruled the land
A baby with a beard was born and that baby became a man
And that man who was born on Christmas day he seemed to have a plan
He said I'm going to start a religion off and call it Christian... ity
And two thousand years later I went and wrote this song
Using words and melody to tell you what went on...
God came down from the sky with a little drop of pre-cum in his Jap's eye
(His Jap's eye, His Jap's eye, a little drop of pre-cum in His holy Jap's eye)
He said, "I need to find a lady, she can't be a munter or
A total rotten slag or a filthy fucking whore
I need a virgin lady and she's got to be pure
With a sausage wallet that has not been used before
So Joseph, Joseph, will you give me your word
You haven't doinked her, Joseph, come on, give us a go of your bird"
Joseph said, "Mary's pure, she is a virgin
I've never got my nob beyond those outside flaps of skin
It's not for want of trying though, much to my chagrin
She let me buff it round the edges but I've never stuck it in
So go on God, give her one from me
Pump her full of Jesus juice and make a baby
The holiest baby in history
J-E-S-U-S-C-H-R-I-S-T
Oh Jesus, Jesus
He's a baby with a beard
Jesus, J-J-J-Jesus
Out of Mary's sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seemed so clear to me
The most Christmassy baby in history
Was a baby with a beard
And it was Jesus
But what if Jesus Christ as born here today
In the modern day, on a Christmas day
I'm sure that he would say, "Take those poxy gifts away
Back on Santa's sleigh, cos they are proper gay
Cos I don't want gold, frankincense or myrrh
They're a bag of wank, I would much prefer
An iPhone 4s, a 3D TV
And Call Of Duty - Modern Warfare 3
Cos he's Jesus, Jesus
He's a baby with a beard
Jesus, J-J-J-Jesus
Out of Mary's sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seemed so clear to me
The hirsutiest baby in history
Was a baby with a beard
And it was Jesus
But if it was me got a bird up the duff
By unconsensually shagging her muff
It wouldn't be a saviour, it would be
A bastard rape baby son of a Kunt