I wanted much to go to war
And went to be examined
The surgeon looked me o'er and o'er
My back and chest he hammered
Said he, "You're not the man for me
Your lungs are much affected
And likewise both your eyes are cock'd
And otherwise defected"
So, now I'm with the Invalids
And cannot go and fight, sir!
The doctor told me so, you know
Of course it must be right, sir!
While I was there a host of chaps
For reasons were exempted
Old "pursy", he was laid aside
To pass he had attempted
The doctor said, "I do not like
Your corporosity, sir!
You'll "breed a famine" in the camp
Wherever you might be, sir!"
So, now I'm with the Invalids
And cannot go and fight, sir!
The doctor told him so, you know
Of course it must be right, sir!
There came a fellow, mighty tall
A "knock-kneed overgrowner"
The doctor said, "I ain't got no time
To take and look you over"
Next came along a little chap
Who stood about two foot nothing
The doctor said, "You'd better go
And tell your mommy you are coming!"
So, now they're with the Invalids
And cannot go and fight, sir!
The doctor told them so, you know
Of course it must be right, sir!
Some had the ticerdolerreou
Some what they call "brown critters"
And some were "lank and lazy" too
And some too "fond of bitters"
Some had "flag legs" and one "one eye"
Their backs were tall and crooked
You would have laugh'd till you had died
To see how "cute" they looked
And now they're with the Invalids
And cannot go and fight, sir!
The doctor told them so, you know
Of course it must be right, sir!