I feel it now - the remorse
The regret for saying and acting out certain impulses foreign to me
Of course I have compassion for myself and see they were only mistakes
But this sympathy perhaps infected me too much
To the point of narcissistic delusion
Angry, betrayed and hurt that she didn't pick me, I became the victim
Yet her decision was driven by her own harsh circumstances
Something I failed to see through the entitlement
It goes back and forth, we were both hurt
Yet caring for one another stopped as soon as any romantic narrative
Began to decompose into a fantasy I was clawing at to get back in
The desperation didn't come from loneliness, rather selfishness
Pride became my vehicle, and she become arrogant due to my ignorance
The very girl that helped me, connected with me, liked me and wanted to
Talk to me was the person I harmed through expectation and imposition
She had just gone through something rough because I was in the picture
I expected her to be completely vulnerable and choose me because
I thought that's how it ended, even now, I see how selfish it sounds
A million things, a million reasons why it happened, and I chose me
Tried to own you so I could feel better about myself
I decided then to get some help
Loving you ain't easy because
I can barely love myself
I wanted you to choose me
Cuz I didn't have what I need
And that's why
Loving you ain't easy because
I can barely love myself
I've been working on some things
To open myself up to change
I wanted love
So I will love myself
I wanted love
But I got me
I wanted love
So I will love myself
I wanted love
But I got me
I wanted love
So I will love myself
I wanted love
But I got me
I wanted love
So I will love myself
I wanted love
But I got me
You speak of love yet your heart is not readily available
Your impatient and impressionable to attention and self-centered flattering
You claim it was love but your pattern of saying it within two weeks to
All your last partners proves otherwise
You seek approval, attachment, attention and admiration from strangers
You speak of love, that's for sure
Ayy pop off when I'm invited
My brother cited now
I can feel the progress
I am getting excited now
Pop off when I'm writing
These thoughts down
I can feel the progress
I am keeping my head down
Until it mattered I would say it endlessly
Spit it over text
Who ever came next
The words would come off my chest
The last three girlfriends
Within two weeks I said I love you
One was one week, one was two and
One was two days when the time was right
At least that's how I rationalize
I fight it with the fact that it was genuine
And purified
But I really just want to lock them up
For my gratification
Have them by my side in case I
Need some validation
Stop saying them
And they and worst of all
Don't say there names at all
I try to forget them so I
Forget how hard they made me fall well
They didn't make me do shit
That was a lack of consciousness
I said I was under a spell
But really I didn't know how I hard I fell
Self doubt was the opposite
I pushed myself up
Couldn't swallow it
I called them some names
Probably some hollow shit
Anything comforting
I wanna follow it
I speak of love yes I do
Can't tell you it's true though
What do you know
What is true love
How can I want them
If I have no desire
How can I love them
If I'm too impartial
You can see now my paradox
I hear your words but they are not clear enough
I cannot see my paradox
I'm missing something I know
I say I love you
But I want you to say it back
I want love to come my way
I want you to say it back
I want to love you
But my expectations go above that
I could give you everything
But I want you to do it all back
I want everything from you
Where as I lie about me
I give you little doses I know
I never let myself speak
Desire, temptation
Love I want you now
But it's not love that I want
Lust that I find, I just want you around
If I loved you
Id have let you known
In action by seeing you
Had to go
I can't do what I don't know
I can't love you, I need to be alone
I need to let it out and go about myself
Familiarize myself with love and hate
And find a way to help