Goodbye twelve, goodbye thirteen, hello love
Why do I pay for all those lessons?
Dance for Grandma! Dance for Grandma!
(Ba, da-da ba, da-da-da) My God, that Steve McQueen's real sexy
(Ba, da-da ba, da-da-da) Bob Goulet out! Steve McQueen in!
(Ba, da-da ba, da-da-da) You cannot go to the movies
Until you finish your homework!
(Ba-da-da) Wash the car
(Da da, da da) Stop picking your nose
Oh darling, you're not old enough to wear a bra
(Ba, da-da ba, da-da-da) You got nothing to hold it up
(Ba-da-ba, ba-da-ba) Locked in the bathroom with Peyton Place
Tits!
When am I gonna grow tits?
If Troy Donahue could be a movie star
Then I could be a movie star
Little brat
That's what my sister was
A little brat
And that's why I shaved her head
I'm glad I shaved her head
But then my father lost his job
So we had to leave El Paso
And we wound up in St. Louis, Missouri
Well, it was the furthest thing from my mind
To be a dancer
But my mother would embarrass me
So when she'd come to pick me up at school
With all those great big yellow rollers in her hair
No matter how much I begged her and she'd say
"What are you, ashamed of your own mother?"
But the thing that made my mommy laugh so much
Was when I used to jump and dance around the living room
Please take this message
To Mother from me
Carry it with you (Dad would take Mom to Roseland)
Across the blue sea (She'd come back with her shoes in her hands)
Mother, oh Mother (Mother fat)
Wherever I go (always in the kitchen cooking all the time)
Your Maggie (Oh, darling)
Is missing (I can tell you now)
You so (your father went through life with an open mind)
Mother, oh Mother (Tits, where are my tits?)
Wherever I go (Listen to your mother; those stage and movie people got there)
(Because they're special)
Your Maggie (You take after your father's side of the family)
Is missing (The ugly side)
You so (Wait until your father gets home) (Swear to God and hope to die)