Determined to prove everyone wrong
Maizy packed her one good dress
And her two good virtues
And headed for the big, scary city
You take the truck (you take the truck)
To the rock (to the rock)
By the ducks by the dock (aw)
Grab a boat that'll float
Take a donkey to a horse
To a bull to a turkey to a goat
And then you jump (and then you jump)
You jump on the road (you jump on the road)
Till it runs out of dirt
By the Methodist church (by the Baptist church)
By the Church of Christ
Where she got baptized in the Whiskey River
Where there used to be a barn
Before there was a twister
It's a skip (it's a skip)
Then a frog (then a frog)
On a log to a Greyhound dog
Then a bus to a bus and you might need to rush
To an Uber to a train
Got a ticket with your name
And we just touch down in a Southwest plane
(Just touch down in a Southwest plane, oh)
In Tampa
I came all the way through Nashville and Atlanta
Do I send a postcard or a pigeon back to Grandpa?
Tell him everything is beautiful in Tampa
In Tampa
Everyone's a Tina or a Tamara
It's a bleach and platinum blonde extravaganza
Yeah, everyone is beautiful in Tampa
It's not at all (it's not at all)
What I've been told (what she's been told)
The sand is white, the sun is gold (white, gold)
And all the people are so old
Get a tan, take a stroll
Then dip your toe in the Gulf of Mexico
And they all said (and they all said)
I'd lose my way (she'd lose her way)
That this was just a big mistake
But how could I go wrong
With Chinese food and frozen yogurt every day? (ooh, fro-yo)
Every day? Every day? (Every single day)
They got a doctor for your face
And one to freeze the fat away
And one to help you with addictions for afflictions such as porn
And one for corn
And one for corn!
And one for corn (and one for corn, and one for corn)
In Tampa
Between the Botox and the tannin' beds in plasma
Now there's a reason for another stanza (another stanza)
Man, I really should've brought a camera
Some guy offered me something called marijuana
Seems that they've got everything
(That's the reason that we sing)
Because we have everything
They got everything
In Tampa!