As I went home on a Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a horse outside my door where my old horse should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the horse outside my door where my old horse should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That's the lovely sow that my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more.
A sow with a saddle on I've never saw before."
As I went home on a Tuesday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a coat behind my door where my old coat should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the coat behind my door where my old coat should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That's the woolen blanket that my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more.
A blanket with the buttons on I've never saw before."
As I went home on a Wednesday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That's the lovely tinwhistle that my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more.
Tinwhistle with tobacco in it I've never saw before."
As I went home on a Thursday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
Those are lovely geranium pots my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more.
Geranium pots with laces on I've never saw before."
As I went home on a Friday night as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a head and her in the bed where my old head should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the head with you in the bed where my old head should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That's the baby boy that my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more but a baby boy with his whiskers on I've never seen before."
As I went home on Saturday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who owns the hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be?"
"Ah, you're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That's a pink bikini top my mother sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more but fingers on a bikini top I've never saw before."
As I got home on Sunday night, as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a man near the harbor docks but it was after three.
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me who was the man near the harbor docks but it was after three?"
"Ah, you're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool now you cannot see.
That was the tax collector that the Princess sent to me."
"It's many's a day I've traveled a million miles or more but an Englishman who could last till three I've never saw before.
But an Englishman who could last till three I've never saw before."