What's up? How y'all feeling tonight? Y'all good?
Well, check this out, man, let me tell y'all a lil' story
See, when I would leave for tour, my wife and my daughter---
(Well, this was before like, my baby daughter was born)
They would--- they would bond by going to these animal shelters
And playing with the cats and see, here's the thing:
I hate cats
Well, hate is a strong word
It's just that I'm a dog person
And cats -- demon spawn, see I don't trust 'em
They always looking like they planning a murder, right?
Like cats be putting in work
You ever watched a movie?
What does the weird old lady have?
What about the villain's pet? They evil!
See, ancient Egyptians, they knew that and they built the pyramids
So they was on to something, right?
Well, I would receive these--- these terrifying pictures in my texts
Of my daughter smiling in the throes of full bliss
Holding what has to be the biggest letdown of a cousin
I mean, cats are related to lions
You share taxonomy with tigers -- tigers!
Why are you so cupcake?
Why does my daughter wanna bring you home?
Of all things, a cat!
See, I hate cats!
Well, hate is a strong word, you know what I'm saying?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not like a-- like a bigot or nothing
I mean, it's not like I like... I mean, I don't see species, you know what I mean?
My babysitter, when I was a kid, see, she had a cat
And I'm sure there are nice God-fearing people that have cats in they house
It's just not in my home, see, they stink
They be rubbing they terrible pheromones all over my furniture
But alas, kicking and screaming, I forced a smile on my face when my daughter brings this terrible thing home
I'm gonna be honest: I thought I raised her better than that!
See, we are a dog family, we stick to our own kind
Why couldn't you love a dog?
This is just the voice of a concerned father, see
See, people may think a certain way about her when she walk down the street
And why you walking a cat anyway?
They gon' think I ain't raised my child well
And it's not like this cat has done anything to me personally
I just know they kind, I mean, I seen 'em on the news
They be tearing up the homes they owners provide for 'em
Why would you tear up your own home?
How come cats can't be grateful?
Why are all cats lazy?
They be complaining about they oppression
You see it in they eyes
Don't the people that take care of you take care of you well?
Haven't we had cats in the White House?
Ain't that enough?
But then this cat got in my house and, to be honest, it was kind of different
I actually enjoyed my time with him, but, but, but
But the--but the point is I love my daughter
And I've already made my decision
And it's not the cat's fault
I just hate they kind
Well... hate is a strong word
It's just my heritage, I come from a dog family
It's heritage, not hate, right?
Hate's a strong word
We still talking about cats, right?