I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family
I have wonderful parents
A lot of guys my age, I'll hear them say this
They'll go, "Every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad"
I think I'm becoming more like my mom
Because I-I was watching that show "Access Hollywood"
And one of the reporters said
"Up next, we have an exclusive interview
With Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jessie James"
And out loud, I went, "Euch! This ought to be good"
That's pure mom
My parents are both lawyers
They are both lawyers, and sometimes
They would be like lawyers with us when we were kids
I remember one time I was in bed
And my dad came in and he said
"Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?"
And I said, "Yes"
But here's the thing
I hadn't
But who cares?
I didn't have, like, a job interview or anything
So my dad comes back in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush
He says, "John, is this your toothbrush?"
And I said "Yes"
And he said, "So we agree that this is your toothbrush?"
Then he said, "John, this toothbrush is bone-dry"
Like, he looked down and he said "bone-dry"
He said, "You lied to me!"
I said "Dad, I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth
I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight
And if the court reporter reads back my remarks
You will see that I did not perjure myself"
My mom's also a lawyer
She was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids
My mom was more like Nancy Grace
She would just make wild accusations all day long
And wait for something to stick
My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news
That is true
I woke up one morning when I was a kid
And my mom was standing over my bed and she said
"I just heard that Princess Diana
And her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris"
Like I had something to do with it!
I was like, "Mom, I have been here all night
You can feel the TV, it's warm"
Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve
My brothers and sisters and I had
This babysitter named Veronica when we were kids
And I was in love with her
I was in love with Veronica
She would babysit us on Saturday nights
And in my head, when I was a little kid
I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old
I was just talking to my mom the other week
I found out that when I was ten, Veronica was thirteen
So why was she in charge?
All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could
Thirteen when I'm ten?
That's just like hiring a slightly bigger child
That would be like if you're going out of town for the week
And you paid a horse to watch your dog
Like, "All right, here is the number where we'll be
And here's where we keep the dog food, and you're a horse"
"Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh"
Why do people do that? People always shush animals
They go, "Hey, shh shh shh..." They've never spoken!
I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid
I'm so excited that I get to live in New York
I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid
It was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
It is a sequel. Yeah, how about that movie?
It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone
I remember in that movie
Oh, the kid in Home Alone 2
He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th Avenue
With a large cheese pizza and I thought
"This is the height of luxury!"
Now I live in New York and I'm psyched
But that is a stupid movie title
"Lost in New York"? The streets are numbered!
How'd you get lost in New York?
I know it's kind of stupid to complain
About a movie that came out 17 years ago
But I wasn't a comedian back then
So I have to do it now
I wish I'd been. I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic
When that movie came out
I would have torn it to pieces!
Be like, "You seein' this shit?
You seein' this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit?
It's a grid system, motherfucker!
Where you at? 24th and 5th?
Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th?
11 up and one over, you simple bitch!"
That'd be my big joke. That'd be the closer
If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out
But alas, I was not