STD: Oh... hey guys...
FRONT: Hi, Schaffer.
STD: What are you all doing here?
FRONT: I think you better sit down.
STD: Are you kidding me?
JESSE D: No, this is dead serious.
STD: Is this seriously an intervention?
FRONT: This is the seriousest intervention.
STD: What the hell, you guys?
FRONT: Well, you should ask yourself "What the Hell?"
STD: You know, I really don't need this right now.
JESSE D: I think you do, I think you need to hear it.
STD: Alright, you went to all this trouble.
JESSE D: Thank you.
STD: Say what ya got to say.
FRONT: Enjoy.
DR. AWK: Hey Schaffer, it's been too long
What '09 when you went and dropped that Bender song?
STD: So?
DR. AWK: Come on, get your shit together, I hear you're smoking the skooma
STD: No.
DR. AWK: This incessant impression's got me wishing it was a tumor
STD: Nice.
DR. AWK: I don't mean it, your habit's just starting to eat me
With all that cocaine, you'd think you'd finish an EP
STD: Come on.
DR. AWK: You suck now, put the alcohol down
We're only doing this cuz we want you around
STD: Whatever.
WARROCK: Hey, Schaffer it's safe here, but it's safer in psychotherapy
There where the drugs and women can't get to you, like it's very concerning
I've only ever see you either drunk or high
Think fans only want to see that Darklord guy?
STD: I do.
WARROCK: But I think you took this villain stuff a little far
With the drugs and alcohol, only so long before you fall
Cuz I care more for Mark, STD is just a character
I'm only telling you because I care for ya
Come on, man.
STD: I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear, now listen here this isn't any of your business
I don't have a problem, you're the ones with problems
Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look I got it, everything is awesome.
Why don't you go home, just leave me alone.
I mean, come on we could've handled all of this on the phone
I don't need you or your pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your silly little intervention with ya
JESSE D: Hey Schaffer, I've missed you
No one knows us better than each other
Since the days that we were growing up together
Like brothers in Nova Scotia
STD: Huh?
JESSE D: I blame myself for losing touch, you tell yourself
When someone is hurting that you can only do so much
But you've suffered enough
STD: True.
JESSE D: It's scarcely feels fair
Growing up Jewish,
STD: What?
JESSE D: Queer,
STD: No!
JESSE D: Black,
STD: No!
JESSE D: and in a wheelchair
STD: The Hell?!
JESSE D: Damn it, Max
STD: It's Mark!
JESSE D: I can't do this, I want out. You're not the man I knew.
STD: What the hell, Jesse?
JESSE D: I'm literally in the wrong house, I'm sorry.
FRONT: Schaffer, ain't your life a shitty mess?
STD: No.
FRONT: Does a deep unhappiness permeate it all?
STD: No.
FRONT: Is this even debatable?
STD: Yes.
FRONT: Do you intend to take a fall or what?
We'd like some answers, but
Can't seem to pry your dick out of assorted strippers and burlesque dancers
STD: Dude!
FRONT: Long enough to get your attention, which is ridiculous since you snort ADD drugs all day
STD: Come on!
FRONT: Plus injections of that hot spoon-cooked "takin' it easy"
Finish your record already, mortality's only increasing
STD: I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear, now listen here this isn't any of your business
I don't have a problem, you're the one's with problems
Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look I got it, everything is awesome.
Why don't you go home? Just leave me alone.
I mean, come on we could've handled this on the phone
I don't need you or your pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your silly little intervention with ya
LUGO: Hey Schaffer, it's your pal Lugo and you know...
STD: Stop! Lugo, what are you doing?
LUGO: I'm... intervening!
STD: Yeah, but you're not a rapper.
LUGO: Well, I mean that may be, but that doesn't change the fact that you DESPERATELY need to get your shit together.
STD: Duly noted.
YTC: Hey Schaffer, you know that I'd be the last to correct
A fellow scientist at work but I can see you're depressed
You got that Darklord look in your eyes, of sunken sockets, you got pockets
Full of every substance, you've been up for two dozen days
STD: Not true.
YTC: Screaming like Willie Mays
Pulling insider trades
The city that never sleeps needs a break from your antics
So here's some Fiji and a Chantix
Enough of that sycophantic shit, I'm tired of enabling you, cuz I care
COOLZEY: Hey Mark,
STD: Z?
COOLZEY: Lately when I come through you've been way dark
It seems your stage persona may be smothering your bright spark
Since I've known you, you've been such a great friend to me
But last time I visited you in NYC I sensed the entropy
Plus your hedonistic tendencies are double O-C and your OCD has become amplified from popping Addies
Look, me and the guys just think you need to take a deep breath
I love you, but I'm worried. Do you think that you can cheat death?
(Death, death, death, death, death, you suck now, only so long before you fall, you're not the man I knew, finish your record already, you desperately need to get your shit together, I'm tired of enabling you, you suck now, only so long before you fall, you're not the man I knew, finish your record already)
STD: ENOUGH! I get it, alright?
I heard what you had to say, and you know what? You're right.
I am a mess. I have fallen apart.
I can not stress how much I needed this jump start.
I never could admit it, I never wanted to face it.
But I see I've got to quit this shit, I've gotta make some changes.
Through your speeches, I have seen that I am reaching my worst yet.
So today, it's time I take the first step.
I know I need to hear it, know I need to hear it
Know I need to quit this shit, my grip is slipping
Know it's killing off my spirit
Yeah, I've got a problem, I've a bunch of problems
I've been slowly growing rotten, in denial, all is far from awesome
Tonight I've been shown, I'm not so alone
And I know I will survive when I face the unknown
I know that I was so defensive, though you had the best intentions
I will get some help, I love you, thank you for this intervention