You can't believe what a skeptic I am
I can't believe you believe in that man
We disagree but I still give a damn
Your Guru assures if you follow his regimen
You will become a most excellent specimen
The power to live on and on for all days
Is right at your fingertips if someone pays
He says that his aura will keep you alive
For three easy installments of ten ninety-five
The device he uses sucks out the bad juices
And leaves no bad bruises, it simply deduces
The proper percentage of X in your brain
This miracle cure leaves no permanent pain
And still,
You can't believe what a skeptic I am
I can't believe you believe in that plan
We disagree but I still give a damn
Your astral projections are coming along
Your chakra and chi are both growing real strong
Your cold disappeared after just nine short days
All thanks to the words on the Whole Earth displays
Now due to the juices and pills and the creams
Your body's lost toxins, whatever that means
You've stopped eating all of that sinister food
Your dinner tastes awful, so it's gotta be good
And still,
You can't believe what a skeptic I am
I can't believe you believe in that sham
We disagree but I still give a damn
The ramification of treatments from holy men
Leaves me slightly queasy deep down in the abdomen
Convinced that the lives that they lead need adjusting
They drive to the book store and blindly start trusting
The miracles and cures all laid down in black ink
Never even bothering to stop and think
The only real power that I do believe
Is the dollars and cents all these authors receive
If miracle wonders were held in their looks
Why waste precious time and try selling their books?
Why sit and wait for your publishing royalties?
If one has real power, who needs reader loyalty?
If you could travel by thought to a mystical place
Why go to book signings and vie for shelf space?
Why would you wait for your agent to call you and vent
And try to convince you he's worth twelve percent?
Why would you bother with talk shows and a crazed publicist
Why deal with the people that repeatedly insist
That you show them real proof that your powers exist?
Hey, convince some real skeptics or cease and desist
Trust me six months from now, you folks will not be missed
What is the moral that we all must learn
Especially those others with money to burn
Before your eyes widen at the book on the shelf, think:
Is he helping you,
Or is he helping himself?
You can't believe what a skeptic I am
You should believe what a skeptic I am