Yeah you know who this is
Is ya boy OffBeat
Original Modern Man in the building!
Check me out...
Im a pretty capable guy in most aspects of life
I can cook, clean and do whatever it takes to survive
But there's one area where I could be a lot better
And that's doing anything practical, whatsoever
The type of things you classify as "Real Man Stuff"
Anything involving tools, wood, steel and such
Stuff i thought you just knew once you reached a certain age
But I'm grown up I realize is far from the case
Stuff my Dad's generation seems to just understand
Like they've got a manual, with the emphasis on "man"
And girls don't get mad, I know you can do it too
In fact I'm regularly shown up by a few of you who do
Don't get me wrong there's plenty other value I can add
I can sync your email with your phone and iPad
I'm just not the type of guy you'd describe as a lad
And that's fine I've come to terms with the fact that I simply am a
Modern Man (there's a lot that I can do)
I can whip up a delicious gluten free vegan stew
I'm a Modern Man (and it's even low carb)
But if the oven won't start I'm afraid we're gonna starve
I'm a Modern Man (yeah I've got a lot of skills)
I can recommend a range of excellent foreign films
I'm a Modern Man (and you can borrow them as well)
But if you want a screwdriver, well sorry I can't help
When it comes to DIY for me the "D" stands for "Delegate"
Coz I cause devastation whenever I decorate
And that's for tryna mend something when it breaks
My expertise extends as far as wrapping it together with some selotape
I came home one day and the house was pitch black
So I rang my Dad and he told me just to flick a switch back
"It's very simple son, all you've done is blow a fuse out..."
I don't know Dad, it sounds easier just to move house
It's not that I'm adverse to doing manual labor
It's just by steering clear I'm doing everyone else a favour
And if you think it's not that bad, you'll backtrack for sure
When you see how long it takes to make some flatpack drawers
4 hours and a whole load of cursing later
And it barely resembles the picture that's on the paper
But even though they're crooked I'm still grinning with pride
'Til I realize I've put the handles on the inside...
I'm a Modern Man (don't talk to me about sports)
I don't know my tennis pitches from my football courts
Coz I'm a Modern Man (my mates treat me with disdain)
Coz when their team lose i say "it's only a game"
I'm a Modern Man (I'm useless in a fight!)
Despite my extensive training at Boxercise
I'm a Modern Man (and so im bound to lose)
Like "let's talk it out!"
While being beaten with my own shoe
I hear girls complaining when they go to the garage
That the mechanic just assume that their knowledge is lacking
But as a man, the opposite assumption is made
And that your brain contains every single volume of Haynes
I got a flat tyre when I was out driving one time
So pulled over and rang the nearest garage i could find
Explained the situation and then waited with patience
For over 2 hours until the guy finally arrived
He eyed it up and down and asked "do you have a spare?"
I stared back blankly "uh not that I'm aware..."
He opened up the back door, lifted up the floor
And I was like "wow, I never knew that was there!"
He changed it and then handed me a bill for the work
And to tell the truth I don't know how much this stuff is worth
So when I saw the price I tried to not look surprised
"£900. Hmm yeah sounds about right..."
I'm a Modern Man (I don't know how to read a map)
I still get lost even when I'm following a SatNav
I'm a modern man (but i rarely lose my rag)
Because i practice mindfulness daily with an app
I'm a Modern Man (I don't want a builder's brew
But a Roobois or Chai infusion will do
Coz I'm a Modern Man (or if you're offering coffee)
Then a decaff frappuccino with some cream and some toffee
Yeah I'm a Modern Man (my girlfriends always despair)
Coz when we hold hands mine are softer than theirs
I'm a Modern Man (I will notice your new hair)
But if I see a spider I'll be there standing on a chair
I'm a Modern Man (I don't get on with their Dad's)
I'm the son that they're always glad that they never had
I'm a Modern Man (but Mums always approve)
Coz I can help them pair their outfits with their brand new shoes
I'm a modern Man