They imbibe me with champagne
They cover me with jewels
They caress my gentle curves
But what I really want
What I really need
What I really desire
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black cane with the world at its end
I don't want a "Hitler"
A "Stalin" won't do
Better make it curl like Roosevelt made it do
It can hang on like Rasputin
As furry as Henry IIIV
It better grow quickly 'cause I just can't wait
Wearing a skirt can only be so fun
As long as there's something underneath to shun
I pull up my dresses,
Let down my locks
What's growing down below should grow as well on top
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black cane with the world at its end
Businessmen agree
Monks do too
A bush on the face
And the deal's going through
So it's not just for dress
It's also for the money
The greatest minds of ours all dip their 'staches honey
I'm not some sort of freak
I don't have any stubble
The circus freaks still want me but I burst their carny bubble
The elephant man despises
A grand plume of hair
The tatted ladies envy
But I won't despair
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard
I want a moustache
I want a long black cane with the world at its end
Aquaman never needed any razors
The snakes lie naked in the midway lights
Fire belly dancers singed all of their crops long ago
Nothing comes close
To my pompadour
Mutton chops, Napoleon III, Franz Joseph
I've got a beard (she's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (she's got a moustache!)
I've got a long black coat with the tails hangin' down
I've got a beard (she's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (she's got a moustache!)
I've got a long black cane with the world on its end
I've got a beard (she's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (she's got a moustache!)
I've got a long black coat with the tails hangin' down
I've got a beard (she's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (she's got a moustache!)
I've got a long black cane with the world on its end
I'm riding proud on my woolly mammoth
With the eight lumberjacks
And a knife (???) tartan
This is the only way for me to be
With a curl on my lips
And my jaw in a bush, ha!