Hello Mr Hughes.
- Hi.
- My name is Richard,
I'll be interviewing you today.
Ok. So I've had a look at your CV.
Given your experience, in all honesty,
Tell us how you might approach working for a company like ours?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
Ugh... I'll probably turn up early everyday for my first week
Just to have you thinking I'm disturbingly keen,
But the very next week, it's unlikely
I'll be heard from or seen
Till at least 9: 30 it seems
And while you're telling me we need to work as a team,
I'll be doddering around in the world of my dreams.
And as for a dress code. What? Hell no!
If you want me in a suit, then I'll turn up in jeans.
You might think that I'm half witted,
But when it comes to myself then I'm generally a harsh critic.
I take on projects I can't finish
And leave people hanging right till the last minute.
- That sounds a bit unprofessional.
- So what?
Would you prefer it if I said I'm like a robot?
I'm just a broke joke blokes with no job
Who can't afford what his life costs,
I'm begging you to...
Hire me!
I'm not civility personified.
I never even had a job I liked
But please, Hire me!
See I'm just trying to be the honest guy.
Assuming that's what every boss would like
Go on, Hire me!
Cause right now I'm in a rot
Down to my last tenner on the first of the month.
Please, Hire me!
Go on, Hire me!
Anyone? Hire me!
I won't increase your turnover.
I'll turn up hung over,
Having spent the night on some sofa.
It doesn't matter if I'm drunk or sober,
I'm in the same shirt with the funky aroma.
You can try and call me but I won't pick the phone up
I'll be online chatting with some other stoners
Talking about how shit my job is
But at least I get paid just to sit and talk bullocks
I went to uni twice but that's irrelevant
Did it for the hell of it
Middle-class decadence
Well hey, I've got some mass degrees
I was a regular, face on a whole lot of party scenes.
My bank's still charging me
For some money those cunts loaned me back in 03
- Cunts!
- Please let me know you're keen.
Or just slip me some dollar and I'll leave I'll be so discrete!
I'm not civility personified,
I never even had a job I liked
But please, Hire me!
See I'm just trying to be the honest guy.
Assuming that's what every boss would like.
Go on, Hire me!
Cause right now I'm in a rot
Down to my last tenner on the first of the month.
Please, Hire me!
Go on Hire me!
Anyone? Hire me.
Goldman sachs won't
Hire me.
The whole civil service won't
Hire me.
Hewlett packard won't
Hire me.
The Evening Standard won't
Hire me.
HSBC won't
Hire me.
The SO 24h garage won't
Hire me.
Random health publishing won't
Hire me.
MacDonalds!