Once upon a time in the land of Melmond, the splendor of vegetation decayed. (C'mon.)
It was prophecised that four stunnin' Light Warriors would come and save the day. (What what what.)
Arrivin' in Corneria, in the midst of their deliria, four motherfuckers emerged! (Hell yeah.)
To teach a valued lesson.
Bet you'll count your blessin's at the beating that's about to occur. (Here we go.)
I am the fighter. (Name's!)
I'm the leader of the gang.
Can't use any magic but I'm critically acclaimed.
Ducin' the Red Mage, the jack of all trades.
Both magic, crazy tactics, leavin' 'em all in their graves!
Then there's the Black Belt and the Black Mage.
Clumsy with their hittin', but fixin' to put a hurtin' on all of you fuckin' bitches.
Don't forget after this, we gotta stop at the shop.
I ain't doin' much damage with this rock in a sock!
I am the Red Mage, pimpin' a feather in my hat.
The name's, need somethin'? Yeah I got that.
Watch your step, 'cause I stand where you fall.
Eloquent abilities and that's not all.
Ostentatiously fashionable. What's my name, bitch?
Light you on fire, and then I'll heal your shit.
Just to burn you again and then I'll cut you in two.
It takes three men just to do what I do!
And that's my cue.
Pointy hat, coat of blue.
Burnin' bright yellow eyes, and I do what I do.
'Cause I learned the dark arts from another time and age, bow down to me bitches 'cause I'm the Black Mage.
I got my wizard hat on and I'm lookin' somethin' vicious.
All the ladies call me "Lucky" 'cause I'm magically delicious.
Four spaces for a name? Bitch, I only need three.
Sign me up for the Final Fantasy!
I've just heard a legend as a prophecy.(uh huh)
That four strapping young lads would come and see me.(really?)
And all my majesty and save the Princess, see.
And put a damn stop to the Elemental Fiends!
The good knight Garland -until recently-, (NO!)
Broke in and stole the fucking Princess from me!
Don't worry 'bout it sir we're gonna take Garland down.
But we're gonna need some weapons, 'fore we go into town.
LET'S GO.
Oh great we're at the town shop.
Black Mages can't equip shit so, I'll wait outside...
"Yay Leo".
Just take your time...
Hahaha.
Yeah, get out of here Corey Feldman!
I guess I'll go buy some spells (and I'll find them all well!) find something else to do with my time.
That's fine!
Quit with the bitchin' get back in the kitchen.
Goin' on our way to the Temple of Fiends.
Damned Imp better stay the hell away from me.
Yo Spud hit 'em with your nunchakus, G.
See if we can go and gain some gold and EXP.
These wolves won't stop comin' after me!
But ain't nothin' compared to these spiders, see!
With you here JoJo, to cast on me, nothin's stoppin' us from buildin' up the GP!
Damn Leo why you keep gettin' hit?
You're bringin' the team down, I'm sick of this shit!
You're a mediocre mage and you're trippin' JoJo.
I think it's time for you to get your ass in the back row.
Once we get to the temple, you'd better up your energy.
Now everybody armor up and get behind me.
Surrender the princess or we're takin' ya down.
We're gonna run your ass up out of town. C'mon!
Hahahahaha...
Your defense is weak.
Fought imps tougher than you.
Good knight turned bad knight?
Good night for you.
Surrender the Princess or surrender your life.
I'm light speeds ahead of you, now bleed on my knife!
That was a critical hit!
Critics are thumbin' in awe.
Garland you look like shit, go home and cry to your 'Ma.
Who do you think you are boy, the Light Warriors?
Don't make me laugh, although you ARE glorious.
How do you get your hair to match your armor so well?
I bet your manicurist has a DOZEN stories to tell.
Uh-huh.
Stand aside boy. I'll make a mockery of you!
Well you'll be pushin' up roses 'fore the time that I'm through.
You done it now, shut your mouth, look what you made me do!
Haha!
You can't keep up with me you fuckin' slow ass punk.
Your little knife ain't gonna stop my powerful nunchakus.
Once you were the best knight in the kingdom.
Now you're nothin' but a fuckin' crumb bum, chum! (Yeah!)
I bite my thumb at you bitch!
HOW DARE YOU?!
I'm back in this part just to fix up my glitch.
Is that all you've got, you vexatious queef?
I'll knock you down, I'll make you wish you would've chosen Thief.
Your nunchaku are as deadly -if not more so- than you.
And that isn't saying much, but it's true!
Hahahaha.
Have at you!
You were just lucky when you landed that blow.
For sho'!
But mine won't even show with my back up, bro.
So back up, bro!
Your back up?
Yes.
Oh no!
You think you've won, but your story has only begun.
I summon four ferocious Fiends from beyond the Sun.
Well God damn you and your fuckin' shit I'm goin' home!
No!
Shit, there better have been pizza 2, 000 years ago.
Yeah you ASSHOLE!
Thank you all, you fuckin' saved me.
Without you four people I don't know where I'd be!
Now saddle up fellas, and get inside of me.
That's one hell of a way to increase your HP!
Now let's go see the King I hear he built us a bridge.
We can go to the town where all the pirates live.
Muscle up some scallywags, and get us a boat, so we can sail the seas and punch fish in the throat.
Three sheets to the wind and I'll show ya the ropes.
I'm Bikke the pirate, I'll put a hook in your throat.
Yo Bikke check it out I'm gonna slaughter your crew.
Now gimme your ship.
Who's next?
Or I'mma do it to you!
It's already been five minutes since we started this song.
That's four Ninja Gaiden songs way too long.
Yarr! You killed me mates, they're a pain in me bum.
You can take me ship but I'm keepin' me rum.
My name is Matoya and I got me some herb.
If you find my crystal I can hook you up.
Word!
Is it just me... or are my broomsticks talkin'?
Crazy backwards words like "Christopher Walken"?
Let me take another toke and hope you find my shit.
'Cause if you don't you won't be gettin' no herb, legit?
Shit, break out the Cheez Whiz we gonna have a party.
We'll find that fuckin' crystal and I'll break out the Bacardi.
Ya got a sexy voice, call me up some time.
...Or we'll be back with the crystal if you change your mind.
(Destroy all of them
Kill them one by one
Tear them into shreds
This will be so fun)
I rescued the Princess, and, leveled up my crew.
Bitch I done evened out the odds, now I'm comin' after you.
I got my mind on the prize, I'm takin' what's mine.
Tell Doc Brown to get the DeLorean.
We's goin' back in time, bitch.
(Garland is no more
Chaos reigns supreme
So you want some more
Check out my four fiends)
Destroyed Lich with fire, and Kary with might.
Sockin' Kraken blockin' knockin' as we nuke Tiamat tonight.
Ya na na na.
I got the crystals time to go back to the past.
As I put this motherfuckin' sword in Chaos' ass!
Those fools are on their way they'll RUE the day they came my way.
I'm CHAOS... In the flesh.
The Fiends compare to fleas compared to me.
It's GREAT to be pure CHAOS.
I laid Erdrick to rest.
And one by one you'll die by my hand.
Oh look what I've become...
This fantasy is far from final... the worst is yet to come.
Rescued the Princess and captured the ship.
We got the Mystic Key from Elven Prince.
Defeated Lich, Kary, Kraken and Tiamat with a chortle.
Orb of Earth, Fire, Water, Air, opened the portal!
Went back 2, 000 years to the Temple of Fiends.
Now we're four Light Warriors hauntin' your dreams!
You're goin' down Chaos, you shouldn't fuck with my crew.
Or Leo, JoJo, Spud and I are gonna show you how we do.
YOU MOTHERFUCKER, we've beat you before and we'll do it again.
Every time you fuckin' rise until this fantasy ends.
You'd better stay on your guard, 'cause when I strike you're gonna feel it!
You fuckin' piece of shit, you're goin' down bitch.
I MEAN IT.
Chaos I got a prob'm witcho muh-fuckin' ass.
That's why I captured the Crystals and came back to the past.
Battled many foes on my way to you, and I won't think twice about destroyin' you, too.
IIII won't be so forgiving this time around. (Say WHAT?!)
IIII will put you in the ground! (Hahahahaha...)
You can't stop me now, I'm more powerful than you.
You puny half-wit, I'll hit you with my dick!
Chaos reigns upon you and you question yourself.
You find that messing with the best is never good for your health. HAHA.
Bitch you'd better go home, and cry to your mom. (Your mom!)
'Cause I've been fuckin' practicin' and takin' my time. (My time!)
You're good, but you're no Sephiroth.
You're startin' to piss me off right now...
Right nowoww...
Right now...
Right nowoww...
I'm gonna fuckin' kick you in your stupid fuckin' face!
Your defense is weak.
Fought Imps tougher than you.
Good knight turned bad knight?
Good knight for you.
I got so much HP you can call me Terminator.
'Cause these motherfuckin' muscles are buffer than Schwarzenegger's.
Take a tip from my crew bitch, it's time to bow out!
After that we'll have a motherfuckin' night on the town.
'Cause it's a random battle system and you're ass gonn' be hurtin'.
And I'll be bustin' out my tricks, like my name was Lance Burton.
8-bit motherfuckers and we're fully equipped with swords, and staves and knives, all kinds of magical shit.
Let's go!
How can this be happening?! This can't be true!
Well I'mma kick you in your motherfuckin' face, you're through.
You done it now, shut your mouth look what you made me do!
I got a thousand volts of lightning runnin' through my veins.
Three foot of steel in my hand, and its flavor is pain.
You been playin' with fire, now you're gonna get burned.
You're in over your head, another lesson to be learned.
I'm gonna run you through, you're gonna pay for your crime, FUCKER!
I just cast HASTE and now you're runnin' out of time.
They call me Chaos for a reason, boy, don't be ridiculous.
As of late I've found that time itself is rather meticulous.
I am IMMORTAL, I have inside me blood of KINGS!
You and your friends will die here and I'll destroy everything.
We are the LIGHT WARRIORS bitch, you heard what I said.
We're gonna end this paradox, you're only strong in your head!
You may think you're safe in this time loop... but now you're DEAD.