Once upon a time in the land of Hyrule
Everyone was okay and everything was cool
Until the Dark Prince Ganon appeared and said
The Triforce is mine and everything is dead
Really
Know your role, Link
I'll leave you black and blue
And by the way-
What?!
I kidnapped Zelda, too
Oh shit
I thought to myself
What am I going to do
When I find your ass
I'm gonna straight end you
Is that a mask or your real face
You big fat jerk
Come and find out, Link
He said with a smirk
I'll find my way to your maze
Fill up on hearts along the way
Today will be the last day of your life
You're so gay
Nope
Listen up Link
Before your story begins
It's so complicated that you'll never win
You're jokin'
And that's why I'll detail it 'cause you ain't shit
I've got more important things to do than worry about it
When your hearts run low, there's some fairies in the lake
They'll reload your energy like Frosted Flakes
They're great
For now that's all you're getting no more clues for you
Enjoy motherfucker, 'cause you'll never get through
That's what you think
I'm the Infinite Hero
And I'll keep on fightin'
'Til my health reaches zero
Like my white tights
My patience is thin
Haha
You won't amount to nothin'
Let the story begin
Oink
Ohh
Take this sword
I'm old
The name's Link (haha) and I'm braver than brave
I got a wooden sword from an old man in a cave
And when my hearts are maxed out, it shoots an energy blade
I don't know how exactly that works, but that's okay with me
Eventually I'll find my way out of this maze
North, west, south, west, I'm on my way to the graves
When I master the Master Sword, I'm goin' to town
On Zelda's upside down Triforce with one in the brown
You can't stop me from comin', I am the Hero of Time
You'd better run for your fuckin' life, I'm comin' inside
Haha
I'm here to destroy all of you one by one
Makin' you disappear, come here, you know you can't run
I got my magical shield, plenty of arrows to last me
My boomerang is at full range, I'm a walkin' catastrophe
Don't test me you motherfuckers, you can't hide
You can try to run, but I got a map to where you reside
I am the legendary fairyless wearin' the green tunic killin' everything motherfucker
I'm blowin' holes in the walls
Goin' from dungeon to dungeon 'til every one of them falls
This is my destiny, and I'm comin' for you
It's a secret to everybody how I do what I do
Eight mini-bosses dead, and I'm on my way to Ganon
With all the weapons I got, who the fuck needs an arm cannon?!
I've died a million times and I'll die a million more, I'm at your fuckin' door
Link
Haha
I see you've finally arrived
Watch me disappear and reappear before your eyes
Pleased to introduce you to my energy balls
They will destroy you like nothing you've ever-
No!
I don't think so
Now watch as I swing
Aimlessly into the air
Not hitting anything
Hahaha
I've got the Triforce, bitch
I ain't got time for hide-and-seek
Come and get some
Nooooooo
I think not
I'm Ganondorf, bitch
Get your fairy booties out of here
'Cause you ain't shit
It's swine time
My time to shine
Hyrule's mine
Mine all mine
Ahahahaha
One, two, three times I hit you with my blade
Now it's time to shoot an arrow straight into your face
Nooooo!
It's been a great time killin' you swine, I gotta say
But after all is said and done, I'm not even gettin' laid
Well exCUUUUUUUSE me, Princess
So I went through all that trouble and she's bein' a bitch
I just saved her fuckin' life, and what the hell do I get
Nothin'
Fuck that shit, I should be gettin' some head
But Zelda's passed out early, layin' up in her bed
I'm on the COUCH man! That's totally lame
The upside down Triforce is a totally different game
That's cool, she'll come around eventually
Besides, she's in a coma in the next game, G. For real...